The Philanthropist Season 1 Episode 6

Teddy: Dax. If when you were in the marines, you know, a genie had a lamp...
Dax: It doesn't work that way.
Teddy: Huh?
Dax: The genie doesn't give you the lamp. The lamp gives you the genie.

Teddy: The ancient Greeks believed that all men are influenced by two very different gods: Apollo and Dionysus. Apollo was the god of wisdom and Dionysus was, well... Dionysus just liked to have a cracking good time.

Teddy: Do you consider yourself to be a responsible human being, Walter?
Walter: Yes, I do.
Teddy: Most of my life, I've always been thoroughly irresponsible, unreliable, self-absorbed.

Teddy: (over the phone) Gerard, where am I?
Gerard: Malibu.
Teddy: Right, and what did I say about Malibu?
Gerard: No interruptions.
Teddy: So why are you interrupting me?

Dax: You know, if someone's using your credit card, you could just cancel it.
Teddy: Yeah, but he or she is been using my card to make charitable donations. That's exactly the kind of nefarious bastard I want to meet.

Walter: You want to blame this whole brouhaha on some other Teddy Rist. But what I want is for you to confess.
Teddy: Oh, Walter, taking responsibility for my own behavior is one thing, but taking it for somebody else is, what... Well, that just sucks.

Teddy: Do you remember Tom and Jerry? Tom would sometimes have a little angel on one shoulder and a tiny little devil on the other and they'd whisper in his ear as if they were two halves of the same person, or cat in Tom's case.
Walter: Are you gonna ask me to listen to my little angel?
Teddy: Yeah, sure. If you can see him, you should.
Walter: (flips the imaginary angel from his shoulder) Oops, he fell.

Teddy: (to Walter) You know where that story comes from? It comes from the Quran. And in the Quran, there are these two angels who write down every deed you've ever done, you know, the good stuff in one book and the bad stuff in the other. And then whichever book is bigger when you shuffle off this mortal coil, well, that's... that's what determines where you spend all of eternity. And eternity, Walt, it's a really long time.

Teddy: You think I could get a drink or would that violate vendetta protocol?
Walter: If you're gonna die, it's gonna be by my hand, not the grace of dehydration.

Teddy: (to Walter) You know, the last time I came to your fine establishment, I dropped nearly $3,000. This time, I get a drink thrown in my face. Clubs, really. They just don't appreciate repeat costumers the way they used to.

Teddy: You see, the truth is, Walter, that it's easy to believe the worst in ourselves and each other. What's altogether tougher is, is accepting the good in ourselves and each other.

Teddy: You know, sometimes, Walt, in the morning, if I can be asked to shave, I lookat myself in the mirror, I wonder who the hell it is I'm looking at. You know, I'm like Alice. I want to step through the looking glass and find the real me somewhere in wonderland. But of course, the problem is that you can't find the real you by staring in the mirror. You have to step outside yourself and watch from afar.

Dax: I walked you to your room!
Teddy: Hey, don't worry. It's not your fault. They were inside the room.

Dax: Who are these clowns?
Teddy: The car window smashers. Yeah, Dean slept with the guy's girl pretending to be me. Ironically, I probably would have slept with her myself.