UPDATE, 8pm Pacific: That's a wrap, everybody. Let's hear your thoughts on this year's winners in the comments!
Your tuxedo shirt is ironed, your flip-flops are polished, and your mini bottle of Peppermint Schnapps is chilled to ice-cold perfection. You are ready for the glory that is known as the Primetime Emmy Awards. But that Schnapps can hit hard, and we all know that even though these ceremonies last for approximately eight hours each, it sometimes feels as if they're over in a flash. So I'll be here to provide running commentary and a full list of winners just in case you're feeling too slow or too inebriated to pay attention.
Will Modern Family steal all the comedy trophies? Will Jeff Daniels repeat as Best Lead Actor in a Drama somehow? Will host Seth Meyers tear off his skin and reveal himself to be the leader of the subterranean crab people? Probably!
I'll be updating the list of winners LIVE right here, so keep tapping that refresh button as if your life depends on it. And don't forget to voice your well-formed, intelligent opinions in the comments!
Here we go! Seth just took a cheap shot at Bachelor in Paradise so I'm turning this off!
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
**WINNER ** Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Tony Hale, Veep
Fred Armisen, Portlandia
Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
The Modern Family domination begins as the first award of the night goes to Phil Dunphy, who wore clear glasses, just like his fellow nominee Fred Armisen.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Anna Chlumsky, Veep
**WINNER ** Allison Janney, Mom
Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is the New Black
Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live
Jimmy Kimmel made a bid to host next year's Emmys by calling Matthew McConaughey fat, and Ricky Gervais showed off his "TV face." Janney's speech was that of a pure vet, as she's now got a half-dozen Emmys to her name (this was her second win of 2014, as she also won Guest Actress in a Drama for Masters of Sex). Janney is like the Modern Family of people, except when it comes to quality.
"This is the 6th career Emmy for Alison Janney." Oh, that's right, I keep forgetting about the PERSONAL Emmys. I have 8! #Emmys— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) August 26, 2014
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Louis C.K., Louie
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
**WINNER ** Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
William H. Macy, Shameless
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Bryan Cranton and Julia Louis-Dreyfus presented this award and Cranston flashed JLD a LOOK for an old Seinfeld joke and it was great. Also, the Emmys orchestra totally butchered the Breaking Bad theme and make it sound like carousel music. Parsons was great on stage, as if he was the most surprised of anybody that he won. He almost sounded as if he was embarrassed to have won and essentially said that he wasn't worthy of it. It's nice to see that a million dollars per episode hasn't changed him. I love you, Jim Parsons.
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
**WINNER ** Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
JLD won, of course (she deserved it, obviously) and her lips were immediately taken hostage by Bryan Cranston's mouth in a little gag that was in no way pre-planned, right? Anyway, those two are great and they should make babies who take over the world and lead humanity to awesome new places. Their interplay almost made me forget that the award was presented by Jimmy Fallon, who causes involuntary anger to well up inside of me.
OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION PROGRAM
**WINNER ** The Amazing Race
Dancing With the Stars
So You Think You Can Dance
Reality. Whoopie. Let's move on.
Sometime during the middle of the ceremony, Weird Al came out and did this medley of re-imagined TV theme songs, and he flew through a bunch of them, like Mad Men and Scandel but then spent a really long time on Game of Thrones which was cool. Except that it wasn't that good. But it was still Weird Al on the Emmys, so I loved it because he's the greatest. Like, some old woman in Oklahoma was just subjected to watching Weird Al and it totally blew her mind. That made my day.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart
Jim Parsons, The Normal Heart
**WINNER ** Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow
Colin Hanks, Fargo
Joe Mantello, The Normal Heart
Alfred Molina, The Normal Heart
Martin Freeman was not in attendance to accept his award because he was too busy being awesome.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
**WINNER ** Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven
Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Coven
Frances Conroy, American Horror Story: Coven
Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart
Ellen Burstyn, Flowers in the Attic
Allison Tolman, Fargo
Total utter rage that Allison Tolman didn't win here, but what do you expect in a popularity contest like the Emmys? In other news, my fantasy football draft is going very poorly but my 9-month-old daughter is still alive so I guess that's something!
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
**WINNER ** Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Chiwetel Ejiofar, Dancing on the Edge
Idris Elba, Luther
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
Like Mr. Freeman, Benny couldn't attend, because he too was busy being awesome. But really, this award should've gone to Freeman, too, right? Blame the vote split between him and Billy Bob?
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
**WINNER ** Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor
Minnie Driver, Return to Zero
Kristen Wiig, The Spoils of Babylon
Cicely Tyson, The Trip to Bountiful
The old "miniseries" trick works again! Congrats on working the system, American Horror Story!
American Horror Story: Coven
**WINNER ** Fargo
Bonnie & Clyde
The White Queen
Take that, AHS. As Kaitlin said to me in response to Fargo's win, "Thank God, I was about to punch a baby." She is a woman of her word, too. I've seen her punch a baby and then just walk away like it was the baby's fault. Kaitlin will eat you alive whether you are an infant or a grown-ass man. Watch out for her.
OUTSTANDING TV MOVIE
**WINNER ** The Normal Heart
Sherlock: His Last Vow
Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight
The Trip to Bountiful
The Normal Heart stood exactly no chance of NOT winning.
OUTSTANDING VARIETY SERIES
**WINNER ** The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Jimmy Fallon pretended like he won or something? And he hogged most of the time on the microphone. I know it was planned and all, but if I wanted to see Jimmy Fallon talk on television I would watched his late-night show.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
**WINNER ** Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Whoa. I still think Dean Norris had the better season, but I'm all for Breaking Bad winning everything. Paul earned a surprise (?) victory and was super gracious as he thanked all the people involved in the show that literally "changed his life." Well done, bitch.
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
**WINNER ** Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Lena Headey, Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
That's 2-for-2 for Breaking Bad actors as the show is being sent off in style. Can Cranston make it 3-for-3? Also, Anna Gunn looked like she was 23
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Claire Danes, Homeland
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
**WINNER ** Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex
And this was a totally satisfactory outcome, I think? Margulies also said it was a "wonderful time for women on television."
Julianna Margulies: "What a wonderful time for women on television, especially that Sofia Vergara bit here in A.D. 2014."— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) August 26, 2014
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
**WINNER ** Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Despite all the chatter about this award going to McConaughey, I totally called Cranston winning it. This was a monster battle, and both actors were worthy. But in the end, Cranston was the right choice. His acceptance speech was excellent, too. That guy is so rad.
OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES
The Big Bang Theory
**WINNER ** Modern Family
Orange Is the New Black
Jay Leno presented this award, and it went to Modern Family so I guess that's appropriate. Anyway—lame, right?
OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
**WINNER ** Breaking Bad
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
Breaking Bad had a fantastic night, but every time the show won an award, the orchestra played a really lame version of the theme music complete with some goofy chimes. It was almost enough to make me root against Breaking Bad, but ultimately I found the inner strength to power on, and everyone should really think highly of me for that. What a guy I am.
The following awards were handed out during the Creative Arts Emmys, which were held last week but recognized this evening.
OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES
Paul Giamatti, Downton Abbey
Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards
Beau Bridges, Masters of Sex
Robert Morse, Mad Men
Dylan Baker, The Good Wife
**WINNER ** Joe Morton, Scandal
OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES
Margo Martindale, The Americans
Diana Rigg, Game of Thrones
**WINNER ** Allison Janney, Masters of Sex
Kate Mara, House of Cards
Jane Fonda, The Newsroom
Kate Burton, Scandal
OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES
Steve Buscemi, Portlandia
Louis C.K., Saturday Night Live
Nathan Lane, Modern Family
Bob Newhart, The Big Bang Theory
Gary Cole, Veep
**WINNER ** Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live
OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES
Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
Joan Cusack, Shameless
Natasha Lyonne, Orange Is the New Black
Laverne Cox, Orange Is the New Black
**WINNER ** Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
OUTSTANDING REALITY HOST
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars
Anthony Bourdain, The Taste
Cat Deely, So You Think You Can Dance
Hedi Klum and Tim Gunn, Project Runway
**WINNER ** Jane Lynch, Hollywood Game Night
Betty White, Betty White's Off Their Rockers
OUTSTANDING ANIMATED SERIES
**WINNER ** Bob's Burgers
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Manhattan Project
And that's it! What'd you think of this year's show?
AIRED ON 9/20/2015
Season 67 : Episode 1