The Sarah Silverman Program Season 1 Episode 2

Sarah: Am I a hero? I don't think so. Did I help one man get his life back? OK, I'll take that one. But is that heroic? I dunno, I don't like labels.

Fred: Do you think I could get some blankets?
Sarah: I would love to give you blankets. I would LOVE to give you blankets! I only have five, and I really need all of them. Cuz what I do is like I jack up the A/C and then I love to get in bed and just stack them one and top of the other and just bundle. Ahh, I got you! Of course I have blanket's for you. You're favorite kind - dishtowels. I hope you don't mind, they're clean.
Fred: Aw, those are great!

Fred: I don't mean to bother you, but, eh, do you think I could get some food?
Sarah: I thought this might happen…Fred if I feed you then you're just gonna learn that food is just this 'free thing' that you don't have to earn. And in a way it's gonna make you homeless-er.

Sarah: I'm gonna take you home with me.
Fred: Really?
Sarah: Yeah!
Fred: Why?
Sarah: Hmm. I'm not a religious person but…God, probably.

Jay: Ya know, if I could just help one blind kid…
Sarah: Then, what?
Jay: Ah...well then I…it would…it's good.
Brian: That's awesome, man!
Sarah: I must be like the blind children, because I don't see what the big deal is?

Sarah: How are you?
Fred: Well I'm homeless.
Sarah: Oh…right…good, great, great.
Fred: Actually, it's pretty awful.
Sarah: Oh. Right. Yeah…

Sarah: Jesus, you're a dead woman but you're acting like a dead baby!

Fred: Sarah Silverman?
Sarah: Gross, homeless guy?

Laura: Sarah, I'm so proud of you. I really think what you're doing is important.
Sarah: Really?
Laura: Yeah.
Sarah: I'm gonna do something else important, too.
Laura: What?
Sarah: I'll give you two hints...it's yellow and it's pee pee!
(Sarah gets up and walks away)
Laura: Oh, going to the bathroom?

Sarah: I'd better go. The homeless don't crap themselves.
Brian: Um...yeah they do.
Sarah: Exactly.
Jay: Gross

Ghost: You must listen to me. This is important, Sarah! Please!
Sarah: Let me ask you something. If you're such a ghost then why don't you talk like (starts moaning like a ghost) this?
Ghost: That is a crude stereotype. Talking like that to a ghost would be like saying the "n word" to a black person.
Sarah: Oh really? Well interrupting a Jewish person while she's urinating is like saying the Holocaust never happened so I guess we're (starts moaning like a ghost) even.

Ghost: Sarah... Sarah... Sarah, there is something you should know.
Sarah: I'm going to the bathroom!
Ghost: (whispering) Sorry.

Sarah:We shouldn't be making fun of it. A lot of famous people have it. Queefer Sutherland. Diane Queefon of Annie Hall fame.
Scarlett Lacey: Queef Witherspoon.

(Sarah talking to her dog Doug at the end of the episode)

Sarah: I learned that gay guys love karate. But they are so unpredictable, like for when they're going to use it. And I also learned that if you open your heart and help people...they're gonna eventually try to stab you to death. Hm. And it's sad.