The Showbiz Show with David Spade Season 1 Episode 1

Spade: (before the commercial break) Alright, well we'll be back after these 30-second movies trying to sell you things…

Spade: Meanwhile, on the set of her new movie, Paris is having trouble remembering her lines. According to reports, producers are looking for someone to **** her brains back in.

Spade: Paris Hilton was so upset when she came across a shop selling these offensive bumper stickers (an image onscreen shows bumper stickers bearing the words 'I'd **** Paris') that she bought every sticker in the store before anyone else could.
Spade: She was even more upset when she learned of the invention of the printing press and the concept of mass production

Spade: The Screen Actor's Guild will give a Lifetime Achievement Award to Shirley Temple Black. And Parkdale Middle School will give a math award to Shirley Temple Asian.

Spade: Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are back together replacing Ellen Degeneres and Portia DeRossi as the most powerful lesbian couple in Hollywood.

Spade: Jay-Z and Diddy have pledged large donations of clothing from their respective Rockaware and SeanJohn lines to the victims. Cause if there's one thing a hurricane victim needs, it's velour tracksuits.

(in reference to an Entertainment Tonight piece on Hurricane Katrina showing John Travolta)
Spade: Most compelling moments; Moon landing. No, Beatles on Sullivan. No. Oh right, John Travolta just gave a black kid a hat.

Spade: That's the showbiz show, remember: If something big is happening in Hollywood, no one cares.

(During the second What You Should Know segment)
Rob Lowe: Talk to your kids about tobacco. Remind them that the only kids who are smoking are the popular ones.