The Simpsons Season 18 Episode 21

Milhouse: Lisa, if I don't make it back, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
Lisa: I've already read it.
Principal Skinner: We've all read it.

Principal Skinner: (On the phone) Lord, give me guidance... That's right, the guidance department. Thank you, Mrs. Lord.

Lisa: I've got something! The sixth grade security camera shows three empty desks.
Principal Skinner: Enhance!
(Camera zooms in on desk with "Skinner Stinks" carved into it)
Principal Skinner: De-hance! De-hance!

Principal Skinner: Simpson! I'll teach you to make a Poupon me!

(Apu sniffs some old yogurt that Homer tries to return at the Kwik-E-Mart.)
Apu: Oh my god! If a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog!

Bart: I might be able to stop them, but I need a schematic of Jimbo's house!
Lisa: Jimbo drew a couple pictures of his house in second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave them a frowny face.

(Bart spots an incapacitated Ralph in a cage.)
Bart: I've got a man down! Well, not a man, a very special boy.

Groundskeeper Willie: Teens? In Willie's hidey-hole? I'll mop up your blood from the inside!

Jack Bauer: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
Bart: What? Who is this?
Jack Bauer: I'm Jack Bauer, who the hell are you?
Bart: Me? Uhh, I'm Ahmed Adoodie.
Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
Chloe O' Brian: Ahmed Adoodie, wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90's.
Jack Bauer: Really?
Chloe O'Brian: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up.
Jack Bauer: Dammit!

(Marge kisses Bart)
Marge: Oh my special little guy! I'm so glad you're okay.
(Homer kisses Bart)
Homer And I'm so glad you taste like hotdogs!

(Homer picks up the bomb which has 7 seconds left till it blows)
Homer: Oh a thermos! And it has 7 cups of coffee left.
(The bomb changes to 6)
Homer: No wait, 6.
Lisa: Dad! That's a bomb!
Homer: Ah! You take it!

Jack Bauer: Previously on 24… I mean The Simpsons.

Jack Bauer: Bart Simpson, 12 minutes ago you made a very annoying prank phone call to me. I pulled every agent off of their assignment to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough call but I think I made the right one.
(nuke goes off)
(crowd gasps)
Jack Bauer: Don't worry. That was just Shelbyville.
(crowd sighs with relief)

Homer: (To Milhouse) Cops. Act natural.
Homer (Imitating a woman) Oh hello officer!
Chief Wiggum: (While driving by) Oh hello, Ma'am! (To self) What is it about a women and a dumpster.

Bart: Son of a beachball, they escaped.

Skinner: Okay, you have a deal, you conniving little… (whispers in Bart's ear)
Bart: Wow, that's a swear!?
Skinner: Used as a noun, it is.

Milhouse: Mr. Simpson I'm scared.
Homer: This is our life now Milhouse, we're dumpster folk!

Dolph: Now this crossword is nothing but swears.

Jack Bauer: The following takes place between 2:34 p.m. and 3:04 p.m. Or maybe it's a.m. Whichever one is the morning one. Not that one.

Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they would have a tummy full of pocket garbage.