The Simpsons Season 13 Episode 4

Snake: You're looking good, baby. Why did we ever break up?
Gloria: You pushed me out of a moving car!
Snake: The cops were chasing us I needed to lighten the load. And, um, protect you.

Mr. Burns: Back in a moment my dear. We have to um... expel some urine!

Gloria: You're a nice guy, Monty. You're always laughing and tenting your fingers. I like that.
Mr. Burns: (tents fingers) Excellent!
Gloria: And you're so upbeat. You think everything's excellent!

Mr. Burns: You will find true love on Flag Day. Why it's Flag Day today. (Gasps) True love at last!
Smithers: Well it's just you and me here, sir!
Mr. Burns: No time for jokes, Smithers. Come along, we're going womanizing.
Smithers: Oh, goodie.

Mr. Burns: This cookie feels heavy as if there's some paper inside.
(Mr. Burns struggles to break the cookie, and a snap is heard.)
Smithers: Nice job, sir!
Mr. Burns: That was my thumb!

Homer: These fortunes are terrible. They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.
Manager: Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortunes?
Homer: You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
Manager: That's not bad!

Mr. Burns: Now step aside. I'll save Gloria myself!
Chief Wiggum: You? Uh, no offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
Mr. Burns: Perhaps, but this monkey skeleton is in love!

Mr. Burns: (to Gloria) I'm going to make such love to you that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.

Mr. Burns: (Whispering) Put my hand on her knee.
Homer: Yes, Mr. Burns. (Moves his hand)
Mr. Burns: I said "her" and I said "knee".
Homer: Oh, sorry.

Gloria: Yeah, like what's fun for a 104 year old?
Mr. Burns: Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends. Like, uh, (Sees some bumper cars) piloting motor coaches and, uh, (Sees someone using a pooper-scooper) collecting dog waste.

Lisa: Uh, how is the Feast of 12 Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce?
Waiter: Very disappointing.
Lisa: Then, I'll have the Sweet and Sour Rice.
Waiter: Oh, very good. Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses.
Lisa: Neither, thank you.
Waiter: Is there any way we could enhance your dining experience here by hurting an animal?
Lisa: No!

Lisa: I love Chinatown, but I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.

Mr. Burns: Where did you get that pie?
Homer: Window sill.

(On a search for women, Mr. Burns and Smithers walk past a strip club.)
Mr. Burns: Perhaps there are some girls in here.

Fortune Cookie Writer: I once wrote "Let your frown be your umbrella." They changed it to smile. A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile!

Homer: You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
Snake: Shut up! (Punches him)
Gloria: Beating him to a pulp won't impress me.
Snake: It used to, what if I hit him harder?
Gloria: Oh, you still don't get it!
Homer: Um, I'm still up for that foot massage.
Snake: Shut up! (Punches him again)

Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée; he was my sexually virile best friend; and they just drove off in my Bugutti Sexarossa. How could this have ever happened?
Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old," and 37% say "She's a skank!"

Kent Brockman: (to Gloria) I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!"

Mr. Burns: Remember, Simpson, the strongest human muscle is the heart.
Homer: What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his.

Homer: Mmm... pistol whip.

Homer: You're going to ask her to marry you?
Mr. Burns: Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love!
Homer: Are you sure you want to do this so fast?
Mr. Burns: Yes, my biological clock is ticking. I could be dead again soon.