The Simpsons Season 8 Episode 5

Belle: Oh, I agree, kids need rules and boundaries.
Homer: (Busy looking at dancer) Yes, everybody loves rules.
Belle: It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs, and the drugs.
Homer: Oh yeah, drugs, you gotta have drugs.

(Kids discuss the burlesque house)
Nelson: I heard a witch lives there.
Ralph: I heard a Frankenstein lives there.
Milhouse: You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put 'em in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super zombies.
Nelson: That's the house?

Homer: If Homer Simpson wants his ten year old son to work in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten year old son is going to work in a burlesque house. That...

(Marge appears)

Homer: Ha-ha...hi! Now Marge, you're going to hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.

Homer: Awww. This isn't about going to be about Jesus, is it?

Reverend Lovejoy: All things are about Jesus, Homer.

TV Announcer: We interrupt this cartoon for a special report.
Homer: (gasps) Someone found my keys!

Marge: Springfield doesn't want places like this.
Belle: I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.
Marge: Oh? I've lived in this town for thirty-seven years.
Belle: I've lived here fifty-two years.
Marge: I'm third generation.
Belle: Sixth.
Marge: Get out of my town!

Homer: Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.

Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle, and ... are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication...
Homer: No problem...
Marge: ... every morning and the furnace has been putting off...
Homer: Can do. Right. Uh-huh.
Marge: ... a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open.
Homer: Gotcha. Cat in the furnace.
Marge: Ah, you know, I think we'll take Maggie with us.

Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach.
Lisa: Oh, no!
Homer: It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

Marge: I'm here to share my moral outrage. But this time it's not about that giant inflatable "Dos Equis" bottle. It's about a certain house in our town.
Moe: Yeah, well what's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbing?
Marge: No. It's a house of ill fame. A house of loose ethics.
Kent Brockman: Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error?
Marge: (Getting angry) The house is perfectly fine!
Chief Wiggum: Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house!
Otto: Yeah, leave the house alone!

TV: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no! Where is Bart anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten. (takes a bite out of Bart's TV dinner)

Belle: When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers.
Bart: Ah, the ol' greet 'n' toss. No problemo.
Belle: How did I ever get along without you?

Mr. Burns: I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.

Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Bart: No.
Homer: Knock yourself out.

Marge: And if anything happens, just use your best judgem--Just do what I would do.

(Bart, Lisa, and Homer are watching The Itchy and Scratchy Show when the TV goes blank)
Bart & Lisa: Dad! V-chip, v-chip!
Homer: Sorry, sorry, my fault.

(Townspeople consult Homer on the fact that Bart has been working in a burlesque house.)
Reverend Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Helen Lovejoy: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
(Principal Skinner appears from behind Reverend Lovejoy.)
Principal Skinner: That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

(Bart works the door at the Burlesque House.)
Grampa: (Peeks through the front door tentatively) Is your name Bart?
Bart: Mm-hmm.
Grampa: Wha--? Does your father know you're working here?!
Bart: It was his idea.
Grampa: (Enters and hangs up hat.) In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.

(Bart works the door at the Burlesque House.)
Principal Skinner: Is Roxanne back?
Bart: (Taking his coat) Yup.
Principal Skinner: Did she get my flowers?
Bart: She did.
Principal Skinner: (Realizes Bart is the doorman.) Hello, Bart.
Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner.
Principal Skinner: This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?

Principal Skinner: Ah, there's no justice like angry mob justice.

"We Put the Spring in Springfield" (lyrics)

(spoken)
Homer: You could close down Moe's,
Or the Kwik-E-Mart,
And nobody would care,
But the heart and soul
Of Springfield's in
our Maison Derriere!

(Homer holds the "ere" as the music starts...)

Belle: We're the sauce on your steak,
We're the cheese in your cake,
We put the spring in Springfield.
Dancing Girl 1: We're the lace on the nightgown,
Dancing Girl 2: The point after touchdown,
Belle & Dancing Girls: Yes we put the spring in Springfield.

Belle: (to Ned and Maude) We're that little extra spice
That makes existence extra-nice,
Belle: (to Rev. Lovejoy and Helen) A giddy little thrill
At a reasonable price.
Reverend Lovejoy: Our only major quarrel's
With your total lack of morals.
Dancing Girls 3 & 4: Our skimpy costumes ain't so bad,
Dancing Girls 1, 3, & 4: They seem to entertain your dad!

Belle & Dancing Girls: The gin in your martini,
The clams on your linguine,
Yes we keep the
(Belle flicks Bumblebee Man's antenna)
In Springfield!

Chief Wiggum, Krusty & Principal Skinner: We remember our first visit,
Mayor Quimby: The service was exquisite!
Mrs. Quimby: Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Mayor Quimby: Come on now, you were working here!
Grampa & Jasper: Without it we'd have had no fun,
Since March of 1961!
Bart: To shut it down now would be twisted,
Jimbo, Dolph & Kearney: We just heard this place existed!

Dancing Girls: We're the highlights in your hairdo,
Apu: The extra arms on Vishnu,
Dancing Girls: So don't take the
(Barney opens a jack-in-the-box)
Mob: We won't take the
(Sideshow Mel blows on his slide-whistle)
Everyone: Yes let's keep the
(Moe crashes two garbage can lids together)
In Springfield!