The Simpsons

Martin: Who would have thought that pushing a boy into the girls' lavatory could be such a thrill? The screams! The humiliation! The fact that it wasn't me! I've never felt so alive.

Mrs. Krabappel: But look at these results: fifty-five, forty-two, twenty-six. A twelve on state capitals? Bart: Okay, okay! Why are we dancing around the obvious? I know it, you know it! I am dumb, okay? Dumb as a post. Think I'm happy about it?

Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care, but the information pertaining to America's colonial period that you just received is erroneous. Bart: So, you're saying-- Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance at passing this test than you do.

(Martin gives a book report in front of class. Quoting Hemingway:) Martin: "You're killing me, fish. Never have I seen a greater or more noble thing than you, brother. Come on and kill me. I do not care who kills who. To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to make love to a woman, to live." I thank you. (Bows) (The classroom is stunned) Mrs. Krabappel: Oh! Absolutely brilliant! There were moments I truly believed you were Hemingway. Bravo, Martin! Martin: Oh, please, call me Papa. (Bart places a ketchup packet on Martin's seat just before he sits down.) Bart: A little ketchup for your buns, Papa?

(The Simpson family gathers around, as Homer places Bart's passed test on the fridge.) Homer: We're proud of you, boy. Bart: Thanks, Dad. But part of this D-minus belongs to God.

(Homer pelts Mr. Burns with a snowball.) Homer: (Chuckles) Gotcha Burnsie! Mr. Burns: (Chuckles) Why, you young ragamuffin, I was never one to back away from a snowball fight. Smithers, you may fire at will. Smithers: Certainly, sir!

Bart: I need you to help me get a passing grade. Martin: Well, you do need someone's help to get a passing grade, but I don't know why that someone should be me. Bart: Because I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much. Martin: They...laugh at me? I'd always considered myself rather popular. Bart: You're not. Watch. (Bart grunts as he pushes Martin to the ground and nearby kids laugh.) Martin: But my--my speed with numbers, my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas--these things mean nothing to them? Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. (Again Bart grunts as he pushes Martin to the ground and nearby kids laugh.)

(Bart daydreams about still being in the 4th grade as an adult with his own son in the class as well.) Mrs. Krabappel: All right, class, the topic is world literature. What was the pirate's name in Treasure Island? Bart Simpson. Adult Bart: Look, lady, I got a peptic ulcer, a wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal. Will ya quit bugging me about the stupid pirate? Bart Jr.: (Whispers) Psst. Long John Silver, Dad. Mrs. Krabappel: I heard that, Bart Jr.! I want to see both of you after class today. Adult Bart: D'oh! Thanks a lot, son!

(Homer listens to school psychiatrist, Dr. Pryor's, opinions about Bart's struggles in school.) Dr. Pryor: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Homer: Uh-huh. Dr Pryor: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Homer: Mmm.

(On the bus ride to school, Bart seeks some answers for his upcoming test.) Bart: Okay, no reason to panic. Find an egghead, pump him for some answers and, boom, I'm back on easy street. (Bart looks around the bus and spots an open seat near Sherri and Terri.) Bart: Aha. Terri: Look at him. I bet he didn't study again. Sherri: And now he's gonna try to kiss up and get answers from us. Terri: He's pathetic. (Bart sits down in the vacant seat near Sherri and Terri.) Bart: Good morning, girls. Sherri and Terri: (Cheerfully and in unison.) Good morning, Bart! Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the pilgrims' boat? Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis. Bart: And where'd they land? Terri: Sunny Acapulco. Bart: And why'd they leave England? Sherri: Giant rats! (Bart writes down Sherri and Terri's answers.) Bart: Cool! History's comin' alive. (Sherri and Terri giggle to themselves.)

(A concerned Bart boards the school bus.) Otto: Hey, Bart, dude! Whoa, you look freaked. Bart: Hey, Otto man, I got a big test today that I am not ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something? Otto: Oh, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky!

(Bart gives a book report in front of his class.) Bart: Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read was Treasure Island. It's about these pirates, (Looks at the illustrated cover of the book.) pirates with patches over their eyes, (Looks at cover.) and shiny gold teeth, (Looks at cover.) and green birds on their shoulders. Did I mention this book was written (Looks at cover.) by a guy named Robert Louis Stevenson? (Looks at cover.) And published by the good people at McGraw-Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten--ten being the highest, one being the lowest and five being average--I give this book a nine. (Clears throat) Any questions? (Several students raise their hands.) Bart: No? Then I'll just sit down.

(In a parent teacher conference, school psychiatrist suggests that Bart be held back in the 4th grade.) Bart: (Panicked) You can't hold me back. I swear I'm gonna do better. Look at my eyes. See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade! Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

(Bart has just given a poor book report on Treasure Island.) Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, did you read the book? Bart: Mrs.Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt? Mrs. Krabappel: Then perhaps you'd like to tell us the name of the pirate. Bart's Brain: Blackbeard. Captain Nemo. Captain Hook. Long John Silver. Peg Leg Pete. Bluebeard. Bart: Bluebeard?

Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes! (The students climb off the bus, as Bart stays behind.) Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. Otto: Heh. Damn thing never goes over, does it? Ah! So, what's in your head, little man? Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently. Otto: Yeah-huh. Bart: And now they're talkin' about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up. Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself. Twice! Look at me, man! Now I drive the school bus!

(Bart listens to Mrs. Krabappel lecture him about his failing grades.) Mrs. Krabappel: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Krabappel: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Krabappel: Blah, blah, blah-blah. Blah, blah, blah? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Krabappel: Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah. Bart: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Mrs. Krabappel: Well, then what did I say? Bart: Uhhh, "Straighten up and fly right?" Mrs. Krabappel: (Blows raspberry) That was a lucky guess.