The Simpsons

(The Simpson-Muntz Armistice Treaty.) Herman: Armistice treaty, article four. "Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger." Article five. "Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist." Article six. "Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood."

Homer: Mmm...cupcakes.

(Bart's disclaimer at the end of the episode.) Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners. Only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library--many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.

(Herman uses a map and some props to lay out some battle plans.) Herman: Okay, our main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat, the other will drive in this way, closing the trap. It's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old!

(Grampa and Bart pay a visit to Herman's Military Antiques.) Herman: What's the password? Grampa: Let me in, you idiot! Herman: Right you are! (Herman lets them in the store.) Grampa: So, Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Solider Of Fortune come in yet? Herman: Uh, not yet. But, can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants? Grampa: No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart. Herman: Ah. Hello, young American. Bart: Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman? Herman: Yes? Bart: (Stutters) Did you lose your arm in the war? Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it! Bart: Yes, sir, I will.

(More from Herman's Military Antiques.) Grampa: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy. Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have? Bart: None. Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard! Now, let's see. (Herman pulls out a map and spreads it out on the counter.) Herman: Ah. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war. (Herman pulls out a document.) Herman: Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson." (Herman mutters to himself as he doctors up the declaration of war.) Bart: (to Grampa) Psst! Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts. Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind. We can't fail!

(Marge tries to help Bart with his bully problem.) Marge: This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side? Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right. Marge: Mm-hmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either. Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am. Marge: That's why he lashes out at the world. Homer: Oh, Marge. Marge: So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go. Homer: Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi. (Homer takes Bart by the hand.) Homer: Let's go, boy.

(Lisa makes some cupcakes for her teacher.) Bart: You know, there are names for people like you. Lisa: No, there aren't. Bart: Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser-- Homer: Bart! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing. Bart: Huh? (Homer pats his leg and Bart sits on his lap.) Homer: Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little. Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher. Homer: Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake her, a good grade there. Lisa: Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard. Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and-- (Homer grabs one of Lisa's cupcakes.) Homer: Hmm? Lisa: Oh, brother.

(Bart pays a visit to the Retirement Castle.) Bart: I'm here to see Grampa. (Down the hallway, all the doors open and old men stick their heads out.) Receptionist: Half the people here are named Grampa. Bart: Well, Grampa Simpson then. (All the old men grumble and go back to their rooms.) Receptionist: Second floor, third dank room on the left.

(Lisa gives Bart some advice about his bully problem.) Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa? Bart: What can he do? Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. Bart: He is? Lisa: Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?

(Homer attempts to show Bart how to fight, using a punching bag.) Homer: Now here's that bully of yours. Show me your stuff (Bart grunts as he weakly punches the bag.) Homer: No, no! Not like that! Like this! (Homer growls as he jumps on the punching bag and takes a bite out of the side of it.) Homer: See that, boy? You didn't expect that, did you?

(Homer consoles Bart after he is beaten up by Nelson.) Bart: Dad, I need help. Please. (Bart moans, as tears roll down his face.) Homer: Now come on, Bart. We don't want your mother to see you crying. Bart: Oh, man. Homer: Here. Let me help you dry those tears. (Homer blasts Bart in the face with hot air from a hair dryer.)

Nelson: I'm gonna get you again tomorrow, Simpson. (Nelson's goons throw Bart into a trash can.) Goon #1: Is 3:15 good for you? Bart: Uh, not really. Goon #1: Too bad! (The goons tip the garbage can over and roll it away down a hill.)

(Bart daydreams about his funeral and people walk by his coffin) Milhouse: Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this. Homer: Yeah, and I got a day off from work! Marge: Homer! Homer: But what's a day off from work when I'm never going to see my beloved son again! (Crying) Oh, Bart! Oh, Bart! Marge: That's better, Homer.

(More from Bart's daydream funeral.) Otto: Good-bye, little dude. (to Principal Skinner) He looks so lifelike, man. Principal Skinner: Yes. The school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight. (Otto puts his headphones on and walks away from the casket.) Principal Skinner: Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All that homework was a waste of your time.

(In self defense, one of Bart's punches connects on Nelson's face.) Goon #2: Nelson, you're bleeding. Nelson: Nah, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. (Sniffs) Hey, wait a minute. You're right. (to Bart) You made me bleed my own blood!

(Herman and Bart prepare for the attack on Nelson.) Herman: We got the water balloons? Bart: Two-hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side? Herman: Ugh, well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

(Grampa writes a disgruntled letter to TV advertisers.) Grampa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.