The Simpsons Season 8 Episode 4

Mr. Burns: (to Larry) I should have known you're the only one stupid enough to kidnap you!

Mr. Burns: Nobody steals from Mr. Burns, whether it be my Sunday newspaper or my loutish oaf of a son!

Larry: (about Mr. Burns) This guy's got more bread than a prison meatloaf. He's rich, I tell ya. I never seen a house with a walk-in mailbox.

Marge: What are you doing in the basement? It's like you're hiding out down here.
Homer: Hiding out? Marge, you've been reading too many hideout books.
Marge: And what's that hitchhiker doing here? Is every drifter we meet going to move in with us?
Homer: Of course not. We'll decide that on a drifter-by-drifter basis.

Larry: Dad, what's with you tonight? I mean, I'm getting frostbite over here.
Mr. Burns: I'll tell you what's with me! The humiliation of having a coarse, boorish, ignoramus for a son!
Homer: Uh, I should go.
(gets up from his chair, and starts to go… then he runs back and takes some more food to go)

Homer: …and Larry and I have so much in common, Marge, way more than you and me. If I could be stranded on an island with anyone, it would definitely be Larry.
Marge: I think we've heard enough about Larry Burns for one evening.
Homer: Why? It's not like anything interesting happened to anyone else today.
(Bart is examining a diamond)
(Lisa's arm is in a cast)
(Maggie is wearing a "Cutest Baby" contest sash)

Larry: Ah, relax. I don't wanna work. I'm so lazy; I took lessons on a player piano.
Homer: Wow, that's really lazy.
Larry: Lazy? You're not kiddin'. Why, I'm like a rug on Valium, I'm talkin' lazy.
Homer: Soo lazy.

Mr. Burns: You're what? Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
Larry: Well, Mr. Burns, I'm your son. (Burns is shocked) Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Lisa: What a perfect outing for a beautiful autumn day.
Marge: I feel sorry for everyone who's cooped up inside watching the seventh game of the World Series.
Homer: (mockingly) Yeah, they won't learn anything about apples today.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

Chief Wiggum: Don't be a fool, Simpson! Let the kid go!
Mr. Burns: The negotiations have failed. Shoot him!

Kent Brockman: A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now, here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs.

Mr. Burns: You, foodbag, do you have a son?
Homer: Yes, sir, I do.
Mr. Burns: And is he a constant disappointment? Does he bring home nitwits and make you talk to them?
Homer: Oh, all the time! Have you ever heard of this kid Milhouse? He's a little wiener who--
Mr. Burns: Fascinating. Goodnight.

Larry: I'm looking for this guy (holds up a photo), anybody know who he is?
Bart: Yeah, sure. We know him. That's Mr. Burns.
Lisa: He tried to kill our puppies.
Marge: He sexually harassed me.
Grampa: He stole my fiancé.
Homer: He made fun of my weight.
Larry: Okay, so there's been a little of friction. Know his address?

Marge: Next to spring and winter, fall is my absolute favorite season. Just look at all this beautiful foilage.
Lisa: It's not "foilage," Mom, it's "foliage." Fo-liage.
Marge: That's what I said, foilage. It doesn't take a nucular scientist to pronounce foilage.

Ned: Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here?
Homer: Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life.

Mr. Burns: Ahoy-hoy?
Homer: (Speaking through a kazoo) Hello, Mr. Burns. This is the kidnapper. Do you miss your son?
Mr. Burns: Yes, I'm missing one son. Return it immediately!
Homer: If you really love Larry, prove it, and you can have him back today.
Mr. Burns: Oh, how much proof do you need? 5,000? 6,000? I swear, that's all I've got.
Homer: Don't you care about your son? This is more important than money.
Mr. Burns: More important than money? Who is this?
Homer: Uh... (Panics, loses control of the phone) Just a second.

Marge: Careful of the apple pie on the seat.
Grampa: Uh-oh!
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa: I sure hope so.

Mr. Burns: Oh this might take a while, Smithers. Why don't you get drunk and stumble around comically for my amusement?
Smithers: (Takes bottle of liquor) I'll be a one-man conga line!

Homer's brain: You can stay, but I'm leavin'!
(Homers brain leaves and he falls over)
Ned: Better get you some cider!

Mr. Burns: Well, did you meet Larry?
Yale Official 1: Oh, yes. He made light of my weight problem, then suggested my motto should be "semper fudge." At that point, he told me to "relax".
Mr. Burns: How were his test scores?
Yale Official 2: Let's just say this -- he spelled "Yale" with a "6."

Larry: (Running after the train) Hey, Casey Jones! Where's this train headed?
Conductor: Springfield.
Larry: Yeah, yeah, what state?
(The conductor's answer is drowned out by the train horn.)

Lisa: Who's playing that music?
Marge: And where's all that liquor coming from?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. Doesn't have to make sense.

Moe: The last guy that charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill.
Barney: (covered in garbage) Yeah, but it was worth it!

Rich Woman: I would like for you to meet my daughter. She just came out last fall.
(Shows very ugly lady.)
Larry: Whoa! Put her back in, she's not done yet!

Homer: Can't they get a pole for that sign?
Bart: That's a hitchhiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh! Let's pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he's crazy?
Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
Marge: We're not picking him up.
Homer: Oh, yes, we are.
Marge: There's not enough room.
Homer: Yes, there is…
(Time passes)
Marge: I just don't think it's a good idea.
Homer: And I think it's the best idea I've ever had. We're picking up the weirdo, and that's final.
(Pulls back from their driveway and heads back in the direction of the hitchhiker.)