The Simpsons Season 19 Episode 1

Mr. Burns: Why do I need another penny? I have billions. Still, if I don't take it, that hoodlum over there might.

(Mr. Burns takes Homer out for dinner.)
Mr. Burns: So, Simpson, I hear you like pizza pie.
Homer: I do! My favorite is Chicago deep-dish.
Mr. Burns: Chicago, eh? Well, what if I took us there now?
Homer: Drive to Chicago? I don't have time for that. I have to be back at work by Monday and my boss is a total jerk.

Homer: Oh, what's the point of putting my socks on? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.

(Homer calls Colby Krause to help coach him through a situation.)
Colby Krause: All right Homer what is it you're attempting to do? Win over a difficult client?
Homer: I'm trying to land a plane with no experience!
Colby Krause: Homer, I gotta tell you I'm not very good. I went to the Harvard of the South.
Homer: Duke? That's good!
Colby Krause: Not Duke.
Homer: Vanderbilt?
Colby Krause: A little further south. Don't make me say it.

(Bart catches Homer at Krusty Burger instead of his "new" job.)
Homer: I couldn't bear to tell your mother, so I hang out here all day.
Bart: But, Dad, you gotta tell her. She's been buying brand-name groceries.
Homer: Brands like "Miser's Choice" and "Day-Old Delights"?
Bart: No, things rich people buy, like Campbell's soup and Pepsodent.

Marge: Homer, you smell like Chicago. Did you fly there in a commercial airline?
Homer: No way. Commercial is for losers and terrorists. I flew in a private plane.
Marge: Wow, is it much different from normal plane?
Homer: Please, tell me you're joking. It's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.

(Homer meets Mr. Burns' flight attendant.)
Svetlana: My name is Svetlana, but you can call me "Hey, baby."
Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex. And I do mean anything.
Homer: (Drooling) Ohh, I'm aroused... and confused.

Colby Krause: Homer, here in the bowling alley, you're a totally different man. Relaxed, confident...
Homer: Is this going somewhere?
Colby Krause: What we have to do is figure a way to make "Bowling Alley Homer" into "Everyday Homer."
Lenny: I have an aunt who became an uncle. Is it like that?
(Awkward silence. Lenny wanders off.)
Colby Krause: I want you to wear those bowling shoes out the door and everywhere you go. It's crazy, but it just might work!
Homer: Dr. Frederick J. Waxman, you're a genius!
Colby Krause: That's not my name.
Homer: I wasn't talking to you.

(Homer takes the control of the jet.)
Marge: Homie, what are you doing? You don't know how to fly!
Homer: I drove a car over a cliff once! How different could it be? (Looks out through the windshield.) Hmm, what's the ocean doing in the sky?

Mr. Burns: You saved my life! There must be something I can do for you.
Homer: (Thinks) A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner.
(Homer gasps)
Mr. Burns: With...
Homer: Yeah?
Mr. Burns: ...Me!
Homer: Me? But that's you!

(Mr. Burns thinks to himself just before drowning.)
Mr. Burns: I guess this is the end. I just wish I'd spent more time at the office.

(Homer pays a private jet pilot.)
Homer: Okay, so this should be enough money to get me up in the air, have a frank talk with Marge, then maybe eat a deviled egg.
Pilot: Well, anything for a fellow Marine.
Homer: (Salutes) Yeah, Semper fudge.
Pilot: Uh, did you just say "Semper fudge"?
Homer: No, I said the right thing.

(Homer arrives home after his first day on the "new" job.)
Marge: So, how was your first day at your new job?
Homer: Oh, it was great! Flew to Tulsa on the company jet. Did my job in a way consistent with I what I already told you. (Nervously) Because that's what you do... when you have a job.
Lisa: I'm so proud of you, Dad!
Homer: Stop peppering me with questions!

Mr. Burns: (to Homer) Now let's enjoy the Miami of Canada -- Chicago!