Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Milhouse Van Houten, Rod Flanders, Jimbo Jones, and others
Agnes Skinner, Brandine Del Roy, Dolph and others
The statue of the man riding a horse says "Swartzwelder," which is the name of one of The Simpsons' writers.
We learn that Maggie's real name is Margaret.
Ned's bumper sticker: "I (heart) Your Kids"
Goof: When Lisa opens the blinds and the kids are playing outside, you see Bart playing baseball instead of being right next to Lisa.
When Child Protective Services races out to rescue Bart and Lisa, they run over a child's tricycle.
Bart: Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?
Lisa: Or how Dad used to call the radio station with fake traffic tips?
Marge: Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again. (Maggie belches)
Reverend Lovejoy: Oh Lord, why do you hate my trains?
Homer: Kids! We're good parents now…get your asses out here!
Marge: It's so quiet here without the kids.
Homer: What I wouldn't give to hear Lisa play another one of her jazzy tunes. (speaks into Lisa's saxophone to the tune of Beethoven's 5th) Saxa-ma-phone, saxa-ma-phone. (sighs)
Groundskeeper Willie: See ya in Hell, you wingless bloodsuckers! (drops Bart's lice infested clothes in the boiler, lice scream)
Bart: Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me! How do you feel?
Homer: (reverently) Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned: (gasps) Wait, Homer! What did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!!!
Ned: (shrugs) Oh, fair enough.
(The Flanderses drive Bart, Lisa and Maggie to the baptism site)
Ned: Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less Hell-bound family!
Maude: Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.
Bart: (to Lisa) Ha ha, you're gonna be Lisa Flanders!
Lisa: (annoyed) You're gonna be Bart Flanders.
Maude: Oh, relax, Bart. You're sister Maggie isn't scared.
Bart: That's because she can't talk.
(Maggie looks at Maude and Ned, then takes her pacifier out)
Maggie: Daddily doodily!
(She turns her head round 180 degrees a la The Exorcist to face Bart and Lisa, who look on in fear)
(The "Family Skills" graduation ceremony)
Welfare Guy: I'm very proud of you people. You've learned how to care for your children, how to maintain your homes, and you've all passed the drug test. Except for Marge -- Marge, you tested positive for crack and PCP.
Marge: Oh my!
(Fifteen minutes later)
Welfare Guy: (handing Marge her diploma) Okay, the retest says you're clean. Sorry about the mistake.
Marge: The only thing I'm high on is love. Love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need.
Welfare Guy: All right, sounds very good.
(The class members cheer and throw their mortarboards into the air; some of them fire guns)
(As Homer and Marge mull over their absence of their kids, the doorbell rings multiple times in succession)
Homer and Marge: (excited) That's Bart's ring!
(they run to the front door, but when they open it, all they find is a 'Flanders Press' paper under the doormat)
Homer: (reading the paper) "Todd Smells". Aw, I already knew that!
Marge: Look at the other side!
(the other side reads "Simpson Kids Miss Mom & Dad"; Homer and Marge hold each other and sigh)
(Homer looks through a venetian blind into the Flanders' house)
Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa... but it might be a starfish. I've gotta call them! (dials phone)
Woman: (recorded) The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you (splice) negligent (splice) monster. (Homer groans)
Ned: Hey kids! Nachos, Flanders style! That's cucumbers with cottage cheese!
(The welfare agents drop Bart, Lisa and Maggie off at the Flanders' house)
Maude: I don't judge Homer and Marge. That's for a vengeful God to do.
Ned: Mm-hm. All we want to do is give you kids a good home until they get their act together!
Lisa: You don't understand, Mom and Dad take good care of us. (one of her teeth falls out) That was a baby tooth. (whistles on the 'th'; Ned and Maude look horrified) It was loose! (whistles on the 's')
Welfare Lady: Don't you worry, little girl. We'll get you some nice county dentures.
Welfare Lady: Sink full of dirty dishes. Trash not taken out. Living room a mess, stacks of old newspapers...(Gasps)...from 20 years ago!
Welfare Man: A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth, seems confused and dehydrated.
Welfare Lady: Where's the baby!?
Grampa: That's her ain't it? (points to Maggie drinking from dog dish) Kids love that water!
Welfare Lady: (Spots the "I'm a stupid baby" sign on Maggie from earlier in the episode) Oh my lord!
Welfare Man: Stupid babies need the most attention!
Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson, you look adorable.
Nelson: I feel like punching myself!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, stop scratching, you're messing up your hair!...AAH! Lice! How on earth does a boy get head lice in this day and age?
(A flashback shows Milhouse and Bart who are playing with a monkey.)
Milhouse: We bought a wicker basket from Pier One and he was passed out inside.
Bart: Hey, how come I get lice and nothing happens to Milhouse?
(Milhouse is shivering)
Milhouse: So cold, so very, very cold!
Homer: I got my dad to look after her!
Grampa: BEHIND YA!
Marge: Nyeeh! DON'T DO THAT!
Grampa: I..ja..pff. Don't do that!
Homer: What advantages does this motor car have over say… a train, which I could also afford.
Car Salesman: Well, you'll notice how the heated gas pedal warms your feet, and the… (Homer drives off… comes back) …massages your buttocks. Well Count Homer, shall we discuss the…
Homer: No we shant… yoink! (grabs tickets from man's pocket)
Lisa: Mom, you fuss over us way too much!
Marge: Enjoy it now, because when you're a grown-up you'll have to take care of yourself!
Homer: (scared) Marge, there's a spider near my car keys.
Marge: You did the right thing by telling me. Shoo! Get out of here!
Homer: Ah, that's better!
Homer: Oh, no! In the eyes of God they'll be Flanderseseses!
(The Itchy and Scratchy cartoon ends. Rod and Todd are shaking)
Rod: Daddy? What's that coming out of Kitty's ear?
Ned: Why that's uh... raspberry jam!
Todd: Dad? Should I hit Rod with a broken bottle like the mouse did?
Ned: No, son. No, sirry Bob.
(Homer and Marge drive after the Flanderses)
Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! (thinks) I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and -- (aloud) The Springfield River!
Marge: (reading a notice on the Simpsons' front door) "Parents are not to communicate with children, and must stay at least 100 feet away at all times."
Homer: (takes notice off door and turns to Grampa) We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Grampa: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch! (walks off)
Homer: Son, let's stop the fussin' and a-feudin'.
Cletus: I love you, Paw!
Homer: I love you, Cletus!
Homer: (to Judge) Okay, I'm never going to win Father Of The Year, in fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids ... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: It's Maggie.
Homer: Oh, Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.
(Ned can't get over the fact that Bart, Lisa and Maggie haven't been baptized)
Ned: Jeepers H Crackers. I'd better call the Reverend. (presses "Rev. Lovejoy" button on phone)
(as Reverend Lovejoy plays with a train set, his wife hands him a cordless phone)
Helen Lovejoy: (chuckles) Ned Flanders is on the phone!
Reverend Lovejoy: (groans) Hello, Ned.
Ned: (breathless) Reverend -- emergency! I -- it's the Simpson kids -- eedily -- I, uh, baptism -- oodily -- uh -- doodly diddly!
Reverend Lovejoy: Ned... have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
(as he ends the call, his train crashes)
Reverend Lovejoy: Ooh... damn Flanders!
Ned: (to Bart, Lisa and Maggie) Looks like I'm gonna have to baptize you myself!
Homer: (Choking Cletus) Why you cotton-picking...!
Ned: Hidilly ho, neglect-arinos!
Blackboard Joke: No one wants to hear from my armpits.
Couch Gag: A Brady Bunch style screen (where it's divided in nine spaces) with Lisa, Marge, and Grampa along the top, Maggie, the couch, and Bart in the middle, and Snowball II, Homer, and SLH along the bottom. At the last minute, everyone except Grampa (who's sleeping) runs out of their frames and onto the couch.
I Got You, Babe
The lullaby Ned and Maude sing to Maggie is a parody of "I Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher.
When Child Protective Services are called, the swirling badge, music, and flames from the exhaust pipe are a reference to the classic 60's Batman series.
Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill!
The title of the Itchy & Scratchy episode, "Foster Pussycat Kill! Kill!" is a reference to the 1966 film Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill!.
The scene where Maggie's head spins on her neck is similar to what happened to the possessed girl in the 1973 film The Exorcist.
The Brady Bunch
The couch gag spoofs the opening credits of The Brady Bunch.
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