Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Milhouse Van Houten, Rod Flanders, Jimbo Jones, and others
The undercover news van has "ORDINARY VAN" written on it in huge letters.
According to the deleted scenes, Apu wears a wig.
The Kwik-E-Mart does not accept checks from Chief Wiggum, Reverend Lovejoy, Homer J. Simpson, Homer S. Simpson, H. J. Simpson, Homor Simpson or Homer J. Fong.
A sign in the world's first convenience store reads: ''The Master Knows All Except Combination To Safe.''
The slogan of the Monstromart: ''Where Shopping Is A Baffling Ordeal.''
The license plate of the ambulamce reads: SLIP
(Homer eats some expired, rancid ham.)
Homer: Oh, stomach churning...bowels clenching...not much time...must finish.
(Apu sees Homer in the shower with a candy stuck in his chest)
Apu: What's that?
Homer: Eh…I like to leave it there.
Apu: Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead, how I've missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
Homer: Apu, if it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Apu: (Near the top of a mountain) There she is! The world's first convenience store!
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you dump on everything we do?
Grampa: Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.
Homer: Stop being such babies. You can't be afraid to try new things. For instance, tonight I'm using a... Apu, what do you call this thing again?
Apu: A "napkin".
Homer: (Laughs) Outrageous!
Kent Brockman: We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat.
Apu: Oh, this time I have gone to far. No, no one will fall for--
Homer: Woohoo! Cheap meat!
Man #1: I need one twenty-nine-cent stamp.
Apu: That's a dollar-eighty-five.
Man #2: I'll have two dollars worth of gas.
Martin: How much is your penny candy?
Apu: Surprisingly expensive!
James Woods: But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
Marge: That sounds like a good movie!
James Woods: Yes...yes..uh, a movie...yes.
James Woods: Is it true you once worked for 96 hours straight?
Apu: Oh, yes. It was horrible. Near the end, I thought I was a hummingbird of some kind.
James Woods: Oh yeah, you know, I studied your old security tapes.
Apu (on security tape: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Apu: In a few minutes, I try to drink nectar out of Sanjay's head.
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because I only need one!
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes--
Head Of Kwik-E-Mart: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening to you. Thank you, come again!
Apu: I must go to the head office and appeal my case!
Homer: I'm coming with you! I got you fired, it's the least I can do. Well, the least I could do is absolutely nothing, but I'll go you one better and come along!
James Woods: Okay you're you, I'm me.
Jimbo: I'm me!?
James Woods: Hey don't...jerk me around, fella.
Marge: Ooh, Lisa, is that too spicy for you?
Lisa: I can see through time!
Customer: This is what I think of your store! (Scrunches up a Twinkie)
Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!
Kent Brockman: And now a message from the Church of Latter-Day Saints.
Dog: (on TV) Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! ...
Lisa: Dad! Are you listening to me?
Homer: Shh, Lisa! the dog is barking!
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: (As he's drowning in cranberry juice) Help me! Help me! (Goes under, comes up again) Mmm, it's cran-tastic!
Marge: If it weren't for Apu, we'd still be in line at the Monster Mart.
Lisa: And he taught me how to play the shenai. (Plays shenai and terrible sound comes out.)
Homer: (Shudders) That's even worse than the album Grampa released.
"Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart" Lyrics
Apu: You see, whether igloo hut, or lean-to, or a geodesic dome,
There's no structure I have been to, which I'd rather call my home.
Grampa: Hello. (Apu takes his walking stick)Aaah!
Apu: When I first arrived, you were all such jerks,
But now I've come to looooooove your quirks.
Maggie with her eyes so bright,
Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Lisa can philosophize; Bart's adept at spinning lies,
Homer's a delightful fella, sorry about the salmonella.
Homer: Heh heh, that's OK.
(Apu pulls out a chair Grampa was about to sit on and stands on it)
Apu: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Now here's the tricky part.
Oh, won't you rhyme with me?
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Marge: Their floors are Stick-E-Mart,
Lisa: They make Dad Sick-E-Mart,
Bart: Let's hurl a Brick-E-Mart,
Homer: The Kwik-E-Mart is real… D'oh!
All: Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
Apu: Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
Simpsons: Forget the Kwik-E-Mart,
Goodbye to Kwik-E-Mart,
Who needs the Kwik-E-mart?
Apu: Not me!
Homer: Things wrapped up quite nicely, and much earlier than usual.
Apu: (Apu sorrowfully singing) Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart… I dooooo.
Homer: Hey! He lied to us through song, I hate when people do that.
Homer: Your old meat made me sick.
Apu: I am so sorry, sir. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer: These shrimp aren't frozen, and they smell funny.
Apu: Okay, ten pounds.
James Woods: (on the phone) How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a tightly-wound convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Well, actually that's a pretty good explanation. Okay, look, book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that boom, I am out of here. I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? What do you mean I gotta give two weeks notice? Lousy, fricking, no-good mother(bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) cheese! (Pause) No, not you, I'm just talking to my oven.
Homer: No way, man! No way, man! Get yourself another patsy, man! No way am I wearing a freakin' wire!
Kent Brockman: We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers." Coming up next, the case of the cantankerous old geezer!
Dr. Hibbert: Homer's illness is either caused by ingesting spoiled food, or some sort of voodoo curse.
Patty: (Holding a voodoo doll) Hey, we've just been working the eyes.
Lisa: Dad, that's over 10,000 miles away.
Homer: I'm aware of that.
Lisa: That's over 16,000 kilometers.
Homer: Uh ... Apu friend me good.
This episode was nominated for the 1994 Emmy Award for Outstanding Individual Achievement in Music and Lyrics for the song, "Who Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?".
Clear back in the Season 1 DVD commentary, we learn that Apu's last name "Nahasapeemapetilon" was the full name of of a high school friend of writer Jeff Martin.
Blackboard Joke: I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Couch Gag: The family's heads pop from behind the couch one by one.
TV Guide notes this episode as being one of the funniest moments in TV history.
Kent Brockman's "Bite Back" show is similar to David Horowitz's Fight Back.
Homer's line, "No way man! Get yourself another patsy man!" is similar to a line said in the 1991 film JFK.
Lawrence of Arabia
Apu and Homer's trip to India is a parody of the 1962 movie Lawrence of Arabia.
This scene with Lisa reacting to Apu's spicy cooking is a reference to Frank Herbert's novel Dune, which is about a planet where rare spice is mined that allows the hero to see beyond time and space. Lisa's glowing blue eyes in this segment are also from Dune.
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