Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Milhouse Van Houten, Rod Flanders, Jimbo Jones, and others
Goof: When Homer is on the news talk-show he puts his hand on his chest and the opening of his shirt appears over the back of his hand.
A poster in Flanders' rumpus room reads: ''Seven days without a drink makes me weak.''
A headline in the newspaper reads: "Man Marries Woman In Wedding Ceremony"
Pictures of Fat Tony and Ms. Botz (the baysitter bandit) can be seen at the police station.
Goof: Chief Wiggum says the Simpsons' address is 723 Evergreen Terrace. Their address is actually 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Goof: When Nelson calls on the phone to harass Bart about his stamp collection, the close-captions miscredit the line to Milhouse.
Grampa: You see? Old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him. (Laughs)
Moe: Shut up.
Grampa: I've had my moment.
Jimbo: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo: Can I!
Homer: You're in. Here's the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own doorknobs.
(talking about how Molloy stole the diamond)
Grampa: There was something different about the way he was walking that day. Much more vertical than usual. (Molloy was climbing with rappel.)
Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
Homer: Hello, Police? Are you sitting down? Good! I wish to report a robbery.
Chief Wiggum: (bored) A robbery, right. Thanks for the report. (hangs up) That's another one, Lou… 723 Evergreen Terrace. (Looks at a map with the robbery locations marked on it) Well, there doesn't seem to be any pattern yet, but if I take this one and move it here…and I move these over here… hello! It almost looks like an arrow!
Lou: Hey, look, Chief: it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
Homer: People can come up with statistics to prove anything Kent. Forty percent of people know that!
Homer: (reading the paper) "Asleep at the switch"! I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: I believe you, dad.
Homer: Oh my God! Underage kids drinking without a permit!
Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
Homer: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Principal Skinner: How ironic.
Kent Brockman: Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been committing?
Homer: Oh Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: (pause) Mmm, touché.
Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas. (pulls out a piece of paper) Literacy programs. Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination--
Lisa: World domination?
Homer: Uh, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer's Brain: Mental note, the girl knows too much.
Homer: Now we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.
Homer: Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're an old man now, and old people are useless.
Ned: Since the police can't seem to get off their duff-a-roonies to do something about this burglar-ino, I propose we start out own neighborhood watch (pause) aroony! (everyone cheers) Now, who should lead the group?
Everyone: (cheering again) Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!
Ned: Well, I don't have much experience, but I'd be--
Moe: Someone else!
Ned: (more cheers) Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
Homer: I'm someone else!
Lenny: He's right!
Homer: We don't need a thinker, we need a doer! Someone who'll act without considering the consequences!
Homer: Lisa, never, ever stop in the middle of a hoedown!
Homer: Okay, here's our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
Marge: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer: Marge, they're only human!
Lisa: We are insured, aren't we, Mom?
Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.
Homer: Curse you magic beans!
Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
Ned: Hi-dilly-ho, neighborinos!
Homer: Can't talk, robbed, go Hell.
(inside a very large hole)
Mayor Quimby: Mmm, I guess we're not gonna find anything.
Otto: Well how we gonna get outta here?
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
Chief Wiggum: No, no, dig up, stupid!
(discussing the where-abouts of the buried treasure)
Homer: Nooo kidding?
Chief Wiggum: Big T, huh?
Homer: Well... I guess I'll be going to my home now and... sleep.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah... me too.... I will also go home.... for sleep.
Lisa: Dad, maybe this will cheer you up. (plays song by blowing an empty bottle)
Homer: Oh! It doesn't work anymore.... I didn't say stop!
Homer: We'll be right back!
Kent Brockman: You don't get to say that!
Marge: I don't think the guns are a good idea!
Homer: Marge! We're responsible adults a--
Homer: And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way--
Captain McCallister: Sorry!
Principal Skinner: Uh oh!
Moe: Me again...
Bart: The burglar even took my stamp collection!
Lisa: You! Had a stamp collection!? (everybody laughs *phone rings*)
Nelson: Stamp collection!? Haha!
Jimbo: You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothin'! I'm goin' to law school!
Principal Skinner: Good Lord! My Stormin' Norman commemorative plates stolen!… Again…
Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
Man: But I have one!
Homer: Too late!
Kent Brockman: Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show.
Homer: So I said to him, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
Grampa: I'm filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar.
Apu: Thank you for coming. I'll see you in Hell!
Blackboard Joke: I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
Couch Gag: The family explodes on contact.
The Pink Panther
During the burglaries, the theme from the 1963 film The Pink Panther plays.
Beatnik Poet: Zen New Jersey nowhere.
This is similar to Allen Ginsberg's poem Howl which contains the line, "Who vanished into nowhere Zen New Jersey."
It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World
The ending where the town runs to find a treasure buried beneath "a big T" is a reference to the 1963 film It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World where everybody runs to find a treasure buried beneath "a big W."
Dr. Stranglove or : How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
When Homer rides the bomb, it is a reference to the 1964 classic film Dr. Stranglove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.
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