The Simpsons

Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

(A depressed Homer prepares to search for a new job) Marge: There, there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back.

(Mr. Burns offers Homer the new job of safety inspector) Mr. Burns: The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly…30 seconds, Simpson. Homer's Brain: Me, in charge of safety? This place could blow sky high. Nah. I'll concentrate on my work now. Gee, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family. This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I--. Mr. Burns: Simpson, time's up. Homer: Mmm, what the hey. I'll take the job. Mr. Burns: Excellent.

(The cartoon character Smilin' Joe Fission informs Bart's class about nuclear energy.) Smilin' Joe Fission: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem. (Smilin' Joe tucks the waste under a rug.) Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

(Homer makes a proposal at City Hall.) Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our cavemen ancestors, to the-- Councilman: Simpson, get to the point! Homer: I think we should put a stop sign at "D" street and 12th. The other-- Councilman: All in favor? Councilmen: (In unison) Aye. Councilman: Approved. Meeting adjourned. Coffee and maple logs in the lobby. Homer: (In awe) Wow. They listened to me.

Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight. I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!

(A depressed Homer lies unresponsive on the couch.) Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale. Lisa: I don't know what else to do. (Maggie pokes Homer in the eye and he does nothing.) Bart: There's only one thing we can do: Take advantage of the old guy. You gotta sign my report card, Dad. (Homer signs the report card.)

(Homer and a co-worker take a coffee and doughnut break at the power plant.) Homer: (Chewing on a doughnut.) You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these doughnuts and the ones baked today. Hey, my boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They been through here yet? Co-worker: Come on, Simpson. If they wanted the kids to see you sitting around on your butt and stuffin' your face, they'd take them on a tour of your house.

(Otto drives Bart's class on their field trip.) Lewis: Look, there's our school again. Mrs. Krabappel: Otto, are you sure you-- Otto: It's a shortcut, Mrs. K. Trust me.

(Bart's class goes on a field trip.) Mrs. Krabappel: Take your seat, Bart. Bart: Oh, please, Mrs. Krabappel, not next to Wendell. He pukes on every bus ride. No offense, Wendell. (Wendell groans.) Mrs. Krabappel: Be that as it may, it's the only seat left, so get in there! (Bart takes his seat next to Wendell.) Wendell: Please try not to shake the seat like that.

Mrs. Krabappel: Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So, I want you all to be on your best behavior, especially you, Bart Simpson. Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door!

(Bart prank calls Moe's.) Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Is Mr. Freely there? Moe: Who? Bart: Freely. First initials "I. P." Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I.P. Freely! (Everyone at the bar laughs.) Moe: Wait a minute. Listen to me, ya lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half! (Bart and Lisa laugh.) Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe. Moe: Ah, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

(Homer thinks in his head as he writes his suicide note.) Homer: Dear family. I am an utter failure, and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: "Stand tall, have courage and never give up." I only hope I can provide a better model in death (Sniffs) than I did in life. Warmest regards. Love, Homer J. Simpson.

Mr. Burns: (to Homer) You're not as stupid as you look or sound or our best testing indicates.