Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Martin Prince, Sherri, Terri and others
Milhouse Van Houten, Rod Flanders, Jimbo Jones, and others
Maude Flanders, Helen Lovejoy, Miss Hoover, and others
Under Nelson Muntz's yearbook photo, it reads:
Mr. Burns' phone number is 555-0001, Prof. Frink's lab is 555-5782, and the Flanders' is 555-8904.
The stolen items in Nelson's locker include: a crystal ball, a lobster, a box of Two Star cigars, a globe, a football, and a toy plane.
There is a medival mace in Jimbo's locker.
We learn that Milhouse has a dog.
Goof: The first call from the AT-5000 is dubbed "Greetings, friend", whereas it says "friends" afterwards.
(Lisa imagines life with Nelson; he hands her a baby.)
Lisa: Our baby! Oh, we had a baby!
Nelson: Our love created it somehow.
(Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney are pelting Skinner's house with rancid coleslaw)
Dolph: Nelson doesn't know what he's missing!
Jimbo: Why's he wasting time with that Simpson chick?
Nelson: 'Cause your mom had a three month waiting list.
Dolph: I knew you'd be back!
Jimbo: What'd you say about my mom?
(Homer's auto-dialer message.)
Homer: Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. So, use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay, eternal happiness is just a dollar away.
Lisa: Do you want to come over to my house after school?
Nelson: Okay, but if anyone sees us, I'm just there to steal your bike.
(Milhouse chokes on his milk and it sprays out of his nose)
Nelson: Way to drink, Poindexter!
Homer: Eh, morning, Apu.
Apu: Good morning. One doughnut with sprinkles and (gasps) wait a minute. These are not sprinkles, sir.
Homer: What do you mean?
Apu: You've clearly taken items from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.
Homer: Well, it was like that when I got here. It really was!
Apu: A Mounds Bar is not a sprinkle. A Twizzler is not a sprinkle. A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir. Perhaps in Shangri-la they are, but not here.
Homer: Oh... (walks out)
Apu: Thank you, come again.
Mr. Largo: Do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
Milhouse: Hi, Lisa. Could I talk to you, or would that just make Nelson whale on me again?
Lisa: Don't worry. Nelson and I don't like each other anymore.
Milhouse: Really? You got anybody in mind for your next crush?
Lisa: Well, I'm really not thinking about that now. (walking away) I suppose it could be almost anybody.
Milhouse: (jumps into the air) YES!
Nelson: Check it out. Skinner's mopping the goo off his house! Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath.
Principal Skinner: Nooooooooooooooooo!
Chief Wiggum: See you in court, Simpson. Oh, and uh, bring that evidence with you. Otherwise, I got no case, and you go scot-free, you know.
Homer: Hey, who shot the auto-dialer? (sees the cops) … Marge's auto-dialer.
(Homer's auto dialer is stuck on Ned's number late at night.)
Ned: (Answering phone) Howd--
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends...
Maude: Ned, did you plug that phone back in?
Homer: (Shouting out his bedroom window.) Shut up!
Principal Skinner: Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police.
Agnes: Seymour, what's going on? What's that odor?
Principal Skinner: Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not… Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier!
Agnes: I wanna see what's going on!
Principal Skinner: No, Mother! Don't look out the window!
Ned: (On phone) Howdily-doodely.
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look--
(Ned hangs up)
Ned: Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Maude: Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
(Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again.)
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends--
(Ned hangs up)
Maude: I told you to unplug the phone.
Ned: But it could be my mother!
(Phone rings again)
Homer: (Recording) Greetings, friends--
(Ned hangs up)
Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.
Homer: (Shouting through his window) Will you two shut up?! People are trying to sleep!
Lisa: How do you feel? What's inside you right now?
Nelson: Guts… and black stuff… and about fifty Slim Jims.
Nelson: (Singing) Joy to the world the teacher's dead!
They barbecued her head!
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty
And 'round and 'round it goes
And 'round and 'round it...goes...
Professor Frink: No, pawns can't move that way, you stupid arm!
Homer: Woo-hoo! Two dollars! It's working!
(at the Springfield Retirement Castle)
Grampa: I don't feel any happier. How about you?
Jasper: Mmm… A little.
Lisa: (Thinking about Nelson) He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. He sure is ugly, though.
Groundskeeper Willie: And that's how Willy waters. Now, you take the hoose.
Nelson: The moose?
Groundskeeper Willie: The HOOSE! The HOOSE!
(Willie gives the hose to Nelson)
Nelson: Is this right? (sprays him)
Groundskeeper Willie: Aaugh! Turn off the noozle!
Nelson: The noodles? What noodles?
Groundskeeper Willie: The noozle at the end of the hoose!
Principal Skinner: I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
Superintendent Chalmers: Skinner!!
Principal Skinner: (gasps) Uh, Superintendent Chalmers! What's wrong?
Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing, I just bought myself a car.
Principal Skinner: Oh. Oh good. This'll sound crazy, but at first I, I thought I'd enraged you again.
Superintendent Chalmers: SKINNER!!
Principal Skinner: What? What!?
Superintendent Chalmers: Ah, you're getting paranoid.
Jimbo: You kissed a girl? That is so gay!
Homer: Now we just sit by the mailbox and watch the money roll in.
Marge: But you're going to annoy thousands of people just to make a few measly dollars. It's nothing but panhandling.
Principal Skinner: All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it. First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen. Then, I'm sentencing you to one week of the lowest, most degrading work known to man - janitorial work.
Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, geez. I'm standing right here, sir.
Principal Skinner: Ah, yes. Uh ... Take a good look at him, Nelson, 'cause that's where you're headed.
(Nelson throws a rock at the window)
Nelson: Lisa, cops are chasing me! I need a place to hide.
(Homer opens the window)
Homer: Lisa's window is the next one.
(Nelson and Lisa kiss)
Lisa: (Thinking) My first kiss! I always wondered what it would be like!
Nelson: (Thinking) This oughta shut her up.
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now, he's a whole new person.
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Lisa: Oh, I know.
Bart: Hey, Lis, Mom said you had the toenail clippers and-- Woah! Lisa, look out! Nelson's in our house!
Lisa: It's okay. I invited him over. Nelson's my new... friend.
Bart: Are you nuts? I'll probably never say this to you again, but you can do better!
Lisa: Please don't ruin this for me, Bart. I think he's starting to like me.
Bart: Milhouse likes you.
Lisa: Oh please! Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast!
(Lisa gets tired from writing on the chalkboard.)
Lisa: Ooh, how does Bart do this every week?
Principal Skinner: Oh, you think this stolen 'H' is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl.
Principal Skinner: Well, I guess it is a little funny.
Lisa: Why do you have to be such a pain all the time? Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation?
Nelson: Don't you realize your butt sticks out?
Lisa: "Nuke the whales"? You don't really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I don't know. Gotta nuke somethin'.
(Nelson gets caught)
Principal Skinner: Well, who's "ha-ha"ing now, hmm?
Nelson: I 'unno, but he's got lethal tuna breath.
(Superintendent Chalmers discovers someone has vandalized his car.)
Superintendent Chalmers: My H has been stolen! Awww, that's how people know its a Honda. Why would you drive a Honda if you can't show it off?
Chief Wiggum: (Referring to Jimmy The Scumbag.) He's gonna rot in the slammer for the next twenty years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass round the clock, and the only way out is suicide.
Milhouse: You like Nelson? But he's a creep and he chipped one of my permanent teeth!
Lisa: But I bet underneath he's a sweet, sensitive person… like you…..I guess you could say I'm wanna bring out the Milhouse in Nelson.
Milhouse: But I'm all Milhouse! Plus, my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school.
Lisa: Nelson! That note you got wasn't from Milhouse. It was from ... me.
Nelson: You? Why would you like me? No girls like me! (suspiciously) Are you wearing a wire?
Nelson: (Reads note) "Guess who likes you." (Turns around to see Milhouse staring at him. Cut to shot of paramedics wheeling an unconcious Milhouse out on a gurney while everyone watches.)
Lisa: Milhouse, I'm so sorry.
Paramedic: He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze.
Lisa: I like you too, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.
Milhouse: No I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?
Lisa: Would you do me a favor? When you get back to class, just give him this note.
Milhouse's brain: When she sees you'll do anything she says, she's bound to respect you.
Milhouse: Sure! What's a big sister for?
Milhouse's brain: Oh, I shouldn't have said that!
Mr. Burns: One dollar for eternal happiness. Mmmm ... I'd be happier with the dollar.
Janey: She was looking at Nelson!
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Class: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse!
Mr. Largo: NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE!
Homer: Hello, this is Homer Simpson, AKA Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call every person in town to apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
Jimbo: Crum-bums! Nobody calls me a crum-bum!
Nelson: Get bent, ma'am.
Maggie does not appear in this episode.
Blackboard Joke: None.
Couch Gag: The room is upside-down. The family runs in on the ceiling and sits down on the couch, until they fall to the "real" ground.
This episode is the first hint at Milhouse's crush on Lisa.
When Lisa says that Nelson is "like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest" they are referencing Winston Churchill's opinion of Russia at the outbreak of WWII ("a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma").
Rebel Without A Cause
Much of the plot from this episode is based on the 1955 film, directed by Nicholas Ray, Rebel Without A Cause. The observatory is even animated to look like the one from this 1955 film.
The inside of Skinner's house looks like the Bates Motel in Hitchcock's 1960 thriller, Psycho.
Charlie and the Choclate Factory
Uter's character is much like Augustus Gloop in Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Choclate Factory.
Nelson's poster: "Nuke the Whales"
The poster in Nelson's room spoofs Greenpeace's 1980s-circa poster "Save the Whales."
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