Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Detective Don Brodka
Lionel Hutz, Troy McClure and Additional Voices
Milhouse Van Houten, Rod Flanders, Jimbo Jones, and others
Agnes Skinner, Brandine Del Roy, Dolph and others
While Bart imagines his life in juvenile hall, there is a sign above the window were the boys are receiving "presents" which reads:
"Juvenile Hall: Proud home of the soap bar beating."
Milhouse still has his Krusty 2-way Radio that Bart gave him in "Homer Defined" on his bedside table.
(Bart and Lisa watch "It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas")
Lisa: Hey, I thought Krusty was Jewish.
Bart: Christmas is the time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
(Homer checks the answering machine)
Homer: Hmm… we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.
Machine: (singing) Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada.
Homer: Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?
(Cut to Bart in his room with the real answering machine tape)
Bart: (chuckles) Now to put this tape where no-one will ever listen to it. (puts it in an Allan Sherman case)
Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
Marge: (sees a beautiful watch) Oh Homie, look at that watch. I've always wanted a watch like that.
Homer: Well, maybe someone will get it for you for Christmas.
Homer's Brain: Now she'll really be surprised when she unwraps that ironing board.
Bart: (glum) Milhouse... do you ever worry that your mom might stop loving you?
Milhouse: What? I'm more worried about piranhas. (getting excited) Did you see that movie where they send a nuclear submarine to fight the piranhas, and one of them swims right down the periscope and bites the guy in the eye, and he goes, "Aah! Aah! Aah!", and that old lady told him it would happen?
Bart: (unenthusiastic) Yeah, that was pretty good.
Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Homer: Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. (Homer makes sound effects and laughs to himself) Where was I? Oh yeah... Stay out of my booze!
(The family are getting their Christmas photo taken at the Try-N-Save)
Bart: (to the photographer) Hey, Ansel Adams, let's go! Take the photo!
Marge: Oh, wait! Wait, I don't want Maggie's face hidden behind that pacifier.
(pulls it out; Maggie starts to cry)
Photographer: Don't worry, momma:I can put a smile on baby's face. (picks up a balloon) Okay, sugarplum, it's time to meet Mr. Funny Voice. (breathes in the air from the balloon) Hello, I... oh, it's just air.
(Bart is racing home, so is the family)
Bart: Gotta change that answering machine tape. Oh God, I gotta change the tape!
Homer: Gotta change Maggie, dear God, we gotta change Maggie!
Brodka: Hey, kid: one more thing. If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce?.... Well, do you understand?
Bart: Everything except "capisce".
Brodka: I'm calling your parents! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but...well, try and have a merry Christmas. (Hangs up) They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right.
Brodka: If i wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.
Krusty: Hey! It's respected private citizen Tom Landry! And South American sensation Xoxchisha -- Xoxchoshe -- Xox -- oh, boy.
(At the Try-N-Save, a spoiled boy and his mom buy a copy of "Bonestorm")
Gavin's Mom: Gavin, don't you already have this game?
Gavin: No, Mom, you idiot! I have "Bloodstorm", and "Bone Squad", and "Bloodstorm II", stupid.
Gavin's Mom: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a "Bonestorm".
Gavin: Get two. I'm not sharing with Caitlin!
(The store employee picks up two copies)
Bart: (dreamy) That must be the happiest kid in the world.
Homer: (Looking at a family portrait where Bart holds up an "I Stink" dialogue balloon behind Homer) Hey, I don't remember saying that.
(Brodka catches Bart just as the Simpsons are having their Christmas photo taken)
Brodka: (jabbing his finger in Bart's chest) I thought I told you, don't return for busted merchandise!
Homer: What are you doing to my son?!
Brodka: I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.
Marge: That's crazy! Bart's not a shoplifter, he's just a little boy!
Brodka: Oh sure, now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But some day, he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and... and quarries.
(A demonstration of "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge" takes place during the closing credits)
Carvallo: Welcome to "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge". I am Carvallo. Now, choose a club. (beep) You have chosen a three wood. May I suggest a putter? (beep) Three wood. Now enter the force of your swing. I suggest "feather touch". (beep beep beep) You have entered "power drive". Now, push 7-8-7 to swing. (beep beep beep)
(He swings, and the ball ends up in the parking lot)
Carvallo: Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again? (beep) You have selected "no".
Marge: Since I got my present early, I think you should get yours early too.
Lisa: Bart got a present early? Then I should get a present early! I want a present.
Marge: Lisa, you have to wait.
Lisa: (muttering) This is the worst Christmas ever.
Gavin's Mom: (seeing Brodka escorting Bart back into the Try-N-Save) Tut, tut, tut, tut. That boy's parents must have made some terrible mistakes.
Gavin: Shut up, Mom!
Homer: (seeing a Time magazine cover with a photo of Ned Flanders superimposed on it, and the caption "Man of the Century") Must have been a pretty slow century...
Bart: Milhouse has "Bonestorm"!
Milhouse: This is great... and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse".
(screen shows "WELCOME THRILLHO")
Bart: (walking in) Say, cool dude, can I play too?
Milhouse: Uh, uh, it's only a one player game.
Bart: Then how come it says "Second player score"?
Milhouse: Mom! Bart's swearing!
Santa on TV: So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!"
Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please."
Bart: It's the coolest video game ever!
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.
Bart: Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.
Homer: I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. (pause) Well, good night.
Marge: Tuck-in time! (singing) All aboard the sleepy train / To visit Mother Goose. Barty's stop is Snoozyland / To rest his sweet caboose.
Bart: Mom, I'm not a little kid any more! Tuck-in time is lame.
Marge: (jovially) Well, if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.
Bart: Mom, it's lame to be proud of being lame.
Marge: Well, life is like a box of chocolates.
Bart: Mom - no! Mom...
Marge: You never know...
(Bart puts a bucket over his head and bangs it for a few seconds)
Marge: ...what you're going to get...
(Bart resumes the banging)
(Marge opens the refrigerator to find it filled with cartons of egg nog)
Marge: Homer, didn't you get any milk? All I see is egg nog.
Homer: 'Tis the season, Marge! We only get thirty sweet noggy days. Then the government takes it away again. (pours some on his cereal)
Lisa: (choking on her cereal) I think I'm having chest pains...
In the DVD commentary, one of the show's writers reveals the inspiration of this episode came from a time he was caught shoplifting and what a traumatic experience it was.
This episode aired on the 6th anniversary of the series.
Blackboard Joke: I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist.
Couch Gag: Homer finds a bathtub plug on the floor, pulls it out, and everyone gets sucked down the drain.
A Streetcar Named Desire
One of the video games at the Try n' Save is titled A Streetcar Named Death which is an allusion to the play Tennessee Williams play A Streetcar Named Desire.
During the commercial for Bonestorm, when it shows a game character fighting a tank, that game character is none other than Liu Kang from the Mortal Kombat series.
Marge: Life is like a box of chocolates
This is a famous line from the 1994 film Forrest Gump.
Nintendo / SEGA
When Bart is talking to his conscience about whether or not to steal the game, he sees Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong (Nintendo) and Sonic (SEGA), all characters from video games.
Death Be Not Proud
The name of this episode parodies a sad and true story titled Death Be Not Proud (1949), by John Gunther which took its title from a John Donne sonnet.
Bloodstorm (one of the games Gavin mentions) is an actual game. It is similiar to Mortal Kombat and you get to cut the arms, legs, and heads off your opponents.
Guest-star Lawrence Tierney starred in the 1993 film Red, in which he played Louis "Red" Deutsch, a real-life bartender and prank call victim. Red often received telephone calls requesting fake customer names (including Al Coholic and Stu Pitt) and went into hostile fits when he realized he'd been tricked. The bootleg recordings of these calls are the basis of Bart's anonymous prank calls to Moe.
There is a video game in this episode titled Angus Podgorny's Caber Toss. Angus Podgorny was the name of a Scottish character in Monty Python's science fiction sketch. The sketch involved alien blachmanges turning Englishmen into Scotsmen as a means to win Wimbledon. Podgorny, a Scottish kiltmaker who had sold kilts to the aliens so they could turn people into Scotsmen, was the only person left capable of defeating the blachmanges at Wimbledon.
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