The Simpsons Season 1 Episode 6

Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! (Lifts Maggie and looks underneath)
Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart: Did you check the den?
Homer: The den! Great idea!
(Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart.)
Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
Homer: You know where my keys are?
Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. (Laughs)
Homer: (Growls)

(Lisa and Bleeding Gums Murphy have a little jam session.)
(Lisa plays a jazz tune on her sax.)
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Now, now low b-flat.
(Lisa plays some lower notes on her sax.)
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Okay, Lisa. "Altissimo" register.
(Lisa plays very high notes on her sax.)
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Very nice. Very nice. I once ruptured myself doin' that.
Lisa: Thanks, Mr. Murphy
Bleeding Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleedin' Gums.
Lisa: Eww. How'd you get a name like that?
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
Lisa: Yeah.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.
Lisa: Yeah, but I don't feel any better.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feelin' better. It's about makin' other people feel worse and makin' a few bucks while you're at it.

(Bart and Homer play the "Super Slugfest" video boxing game)

Bart: In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson! (whistles and whoops) And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats - oh, correction, humiliating defeats, all of them by knockout...

Homer: (grumbling) Must you do this every time?

Bart: Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson!

(Bart tries to cheer Lisa up by prank calling Moe's Tavern)

Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.

Bart: Is Jacques there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Jacques. Last name Strap.

Moe: Uh, hold on. (calling out) Uh, Jacques Strap! Hey, guys, I'm lookin' for a Jacques Strap!

(The entire bar laughs at Moe)

Moe: What?Oh, wait a minute! Jacques Strap? It's you isn't it, you cowardly little runt! When I get a hold of you, I am gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!

(Bart rolls on the floor laughing, but Lisa isn't impressed)

Bart: (to Lisa) Where's your sense of humor, man?

(Marge can't sleep, because of her worries about Lisa.)
Homer: So, why are you still awake?
Marge: Well, I'm still trying to figure out what's bothering Lisa. I don't know. Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention. But all the while, our little Lisa is becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it. This is some kind of underwear thing.

Homer: You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.

(Marge has a flashback to her childhood.)
Mrs. Bouvier: Wait, Margie. Before you go out that door, let's put our happy face on, because people know how good a mommy you have by the size of your smile.
(Little Marge forces a large fake smile on her face before she heads to school.)

(Lisa meets Bleeding Gums Murphy for the first time, as he plays his saxophone on a bridge.)
Lisa: That was beautiful. What's it called?
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Oh, it's a little tune that I call the "I Never Had an Italian Suit Blues."

(Marge interrupts Homer and Bart as they play "Super Slugfest")

Marge: Homer?

Homer: Not now, Marge! (to his video boxer) Gaaah! Get out of the corner!

Marge: But they sent a note from school!

Homer: (to Bart) What did you do this time, you little hoodlum? (to his video boxer) Oops, get out of the way!

Bart: (talking quickly) I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.

Marge: No, Bart! This note isn't about you!

Bart: It isn't? There must be some mistake! (looks at the note as Marge hands it to Homer) Hey, you're right! This note's about Lisa!

Homer: (surprised) Lisa?

(As Homer looks at the note, Bart's video boxer knocks off the head of Homer's)

(At lunch, Lisa shares her thoughts with Janey.)
Lisa: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to feeding time. And we sit around like cattle, chewing our cuds, dreading the inevitable--
Bart: (Laughs) Food fight!

(At an arcade, Homer seeks some tips from Howie on "Super Slugfest")

Homer: Listen, can you teach me to fight like you do?

Howie: I don't think so.

Homer: Oh, come on!

Howie: I tell you what. I'll do it if you bark like a dog.

Homer: (angry) You! Youlittle... Woof, woof woof!

Howie: (laughs) You got yourself a deal, Fido.

(Later, the arcade is empty except for Homer and Howie)

Howie: Well, looks like you're out of quarters, old man!

Homer: That's okay! With the tips you've given me, I'm gonna pound the tar out of a cer-tain little smartypants tonight!

(He chuckles to himself as Howie's mom arrives)

Howie's Mom: (disgusted) Howie! I thought I told you to stop wasting your money in this stupid place!

Howie: Uh, sorry, Mom!

Howie's Mom: (to Homer, even more disgusted) And you! A man of your age! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Homer: (walking away, sheepish) Excuse me, I think I hear my wife calling.

(Homer tries to console Lisa, who is feeling sad.)
Homer: I have feelings too. You know, like "My stomach hurts." Or "I'm going crazy!"

(Lisa's gym teacher blows the whistle and stops play, as Lisa is unresponsive during dodge ball.)
Gym Teacher: Lisa, we are playing dodge ball here. The object of the game is to avoid the ball by weaving or ducking out of it's path.
Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball.

Marge: (to Bart, Homer and Lisa.) I'm sorry, everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three of you.
Bart: Well, mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes over the past three decades to keep--
Homer: Bart!

(Lisa sings the Blues with Bleeding Gums Murphy.)
Bleeding Gums Murphy: (Singing)
Oh, I'm so lonely,
Since my baby left me.
I got no money,
And nothing is free.
Oh, I been so lonely,
Since the day I was born.
All I got is this rusty,
This rusty old horn.
Lisa: (Singing)
I got a bratty brother,
He bugs me every day.
And this morning my own mother,
She gave my last cupcake away.
My dad acts like he belongs,
He belongs in the zoo.
I'm the saddest kid,
In grade number two.