The Simpsons Season 10 Episode 21

Homer: Well, if you wanted people to love you, you sure blew it with that insane rampage. But, you know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people, every day, but to be hated; you don't have to do squat!
Burns: You know, perhaps you're right! I got so swept over the notion of being liked; I completely forgot who I am … I'm a selfish old crank

Kent: Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat, and it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way, girls, he's single!
Selma: Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.

Burns: Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for?
Homer: Um, to work in your power plant?
Willie: You're not paying me anything.
Frink: You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly with the grabbing, duct taping, tennis ball in the mouth. It hurt me!

Homer: Hey, Willie, that old couple looks just like you.
Willie: Aye, tis my ma and pa. They own a tavern hereabouts. They still have the same pool table on which I was conceived, born, and educated.

Marge: Oh, come on! Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm just … um … uh … Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn … (falls asleep and off the couch)

Marge: I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk?
Homer: We stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.

Appraiser: This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the turn of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed.
Moe: Yeah, yeah, I've been meaning to wash that, but, heh, it's been such a century.
Appraiser: At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars, except that on the handle, somebody's carved "Homer rocks".
Homer: And I do. Woo hoo!
Appraiser: Appraised value, $15.
Moe: I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill him!

Mr. Burns: And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world—the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice—I give you the Loch Ness monster!

Mr. Burns: Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.
Homer: I see. Well, I'll need some beer.

Professor Frink: This isn't the Monster-o-meter, it's the frog exaggerator!

Homer: (about Arthur Fortune) Do you know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas, and got them to mate successfully!
Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer: Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

Homer: Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore. "Mega" means "good," and "store" means "thing."

Mr. Burns: (After attempting to boost his fame) I can't believe it. I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires. I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake!

Homer: Aw, my feet hurt! All this fresh air is making my hair move! And I don't know how much longer I can complain!

Comic Book Guy: Once again, my underwear has become tangled in a cow-catcher.