The Simpsons Season 2 Episode 15

(Herb gives the Simpsons a tour of his mansion.)
Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
Homer: Even pork chops?
Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
Homer: Wait!
Herb: Maids--
Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
Marge: Homer, please!
Herb: (Laughs and grabs Homer around the shoulder.) Your old man sure loves pork chops!
Bart: (Laughs) He sure does, Uncle Herb.

(Homer introduces his kids to Herb.)
Herb: So, Lisa, are you the little hell-raiser your father told me about?
Lisa: No, sir. I can assure I'm not.
Bart: (Proudly) I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Marge: Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Herb: Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Homer: (Holding Maggie in one arm.) Oh, what's to know? Just dive in. Catch! (Tosses Maggie over to Herb.)
Herb: Oh! (Catches Maggie in his arms and smells her.) God, that new baby smell. Homer, you're the richest man I know.
Homer: (In awe) I feel the same about you.

(Homer attempts to contact his long lost brother over the phone)
Marge: Any luck, Homey?
Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit. Nothing.
Marge: Hmm. Well, you wanna try that H. Powell? (Points in phonebook)
Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot, but--(Dials the phone)

(Bart and Lisa bicker at the dinner table.)
Homer: Quiet, you kids! If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
Bart and Lisa: (In unison) Dad!
Homer: Not one word!
(Bart and Lisa trade insults via sign language and giggle at each other.)
Homer: I thought I said knock it off.
Lisa: We didn't say anything.
Bart: Not one word.
Homer: Well, no "pantomomine" either.

(Homer visits the Shelbyville Orphanage in search of his brother.)
Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great! Where can I find him?
Director: (Sighs) I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here. Please!
Director: Well, I--I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. (Reaches across his desk, grabs Homer's hands and stares him in the eye.) Even Detroit.
Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, (Points at Herb's file folder) the city of Brotherly Love isn't Philadelphia. It's...Detroit.
Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
Director: Read between the lines, you fool
Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. (Puts a twenty dollar bill on the Director's desk.) Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
Homer: Just take it and tell me!
Director: (Frustrated) Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Homer: (Sarcastically) Fine! Thank you!

Herb: Welcome to my home, brother.
(Herb waves his arm towards his mansion.)
Homer: Holy moly! The bastard's rich!

(Homer makes demands to the car engineers about what needs to go in the new car.) Homer: All right, you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink! Engineer: Sir, the-the car has a beverage holder. Homer: Hello! Hello, Einstein! I said a place to put my drink. You know those Super Slakers they sell at the Kwik-E-Mart? (Makes a large circle with his hands.) The cup is this big! Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Extremely large beverage holder. Homer: I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car! Engineer: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Little ball. Homer: And some things are so snazzy, they never go out of style! Like tail fins and bubble domes and shag carpeting. Engineer: I gotta call the boss.

Herb: Homer, I need your help.
Homer: You do?
Herb: Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I wanna let you!

Herb: So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Marge: Hmm. Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three beautiful children.
Herb: Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
Marge: Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.

(Homer and Herb meet face to face.)
Herb: Homer?
Homer: Herb?
Homer and Herb: (In unison) You look just like--
(They point at each other's hair.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) Except you got a little more--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) Except you got a little less--
(They point at each other's stomachs.)
Homer: (In unison with Herb) And a little less--
Herb: (In unison with Homer) And a little more--
Homer and Herb: God, I feel so--
(They happily embrace.)

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: Just a little further.
Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: (Yells) Just a little further!
Marge: Bart, Lisa, if you don't behave, we'll turn this car right around and go home.
Homer: But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
Marge: Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
Homer: Oh.

(Bart inquires about Herb.)
Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
Homer: Bart!
Bart: His parents aren't married, are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
Homer: I guess he's got us there.
Marge: Hmm!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Marge: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard--
Homer: Bart!
Bart: (Singing) Bastard, bastard. Bastard, bastard.

(Grandpa explains the story of Herb's conception to Homer.)
Grandpa: It all happened when I was courting your mother.
(Flash back to a younger Grandpa at a carnival.)
Grandpa: (Narrating) I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival when I first saw her.
Woman: (To Grandpa) Hey, handsome, wanna dunk the clown?
Grandpa: (Narrating) She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. A year later, the carnival came back to town, and she had a little surprise for me.
(The woman shows Grandpa baby Herb.)
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage, and I never saw him again.
(Flash back to Grandpa at his wedding)
Grandpa: (Narrating) A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
(Flash forward to Homer's mother after the delivery.)
Mother Simpson: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. He must never know about that-that carnival incident.
Grandpa: Okay.
Mother Simpson: Promise you won't tell him.
Grandpa: I promise.
(Flash forward to present day.)
Grandpa: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.

(The ending to the McBain movie.)
Sexy Woman: You certainly broke up that meeting.
McBain: Right now I'm thinking about holding another meeting… in bed.
Sexy Woman: Oh, McBain.
McBain: Mmm.
(They embrace and kiss.)

(Grandpa talks with Homer in his hospital room.)
Grandpa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
(Homer scoots closer.)
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grandpa: Pee-yew! Not that close!

(The family says farewell to Herb.)
Homer: Gee, Herb, because of me, you lost your business, your home and all your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been better off if I'd never come into your life.
Herb: Maybe I would have been better off? Maybe? Why, you sponge head! Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
(Herb pulls away in a bus headed out of town.)
Marge: (Consoles Homer) Hmm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation.