Opening Credits: Blackboard joke: I will not belch the National Anthem. Couch gag: The family jumps onto the couch and bounces up into the air, while a roll out bed springs out, and the family lands back down.
Act One: On a weekday morning, Barney calls and wakes up a sleeping Homer at 8:00 AM and tells him about a new all you can eat restaurant, called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit. An excited Homer runs downstairs to tell Marge the good news, he wants to dump the kids off with a babysitter and go on a date with her on Saturday night to the new restaurant. Marge gives her sisters, Patty and Selma a call at work, to see if they can baby sit. At the Department of Motor Vehicles, Selma answers Marge's call and accepts the babysitting offer. She and Patty have plans to go to the wedding of a co-worker, Stanley Peterson, on Saturday night, but Selma tells Marge they'll leave early to watch the kids.
On Saturday at Stanley's wedding, a frowning Selma flashes back to Stanley's first day at the DMV. As Selma eats lunch alone, Stanley approaches and asks if he can sit next to her; Selma is about to say yes, but a gruff Patty rudely interrupts and steals Stanley's seat. Stanley is forced to sit with another co-worker, Martha. Martha turns out to be his bride-to-be, and a flash forward back to Selma at the wedding reveals, that she is wondering what might have happened if Stanley had sat next to her on that day.
Later that night, as Selma tucks Lisa into bed, Lisa asks her if she will ever get married. Selma sighs, as Lisa points out that statistics show 40 year old women struggle in finding a husband. Patty sleeps on the couch as Homer and Marge arrive back home from Greasy Joe's. Homer loosens his belt and heads off to call Barney, while Selma corners Marge and unloads her doubts about ever finding herself a man. A desperate Selma begs Marge to help her find a husband. That night in bed as Homer sleeps soundly, Marge lies awake worrying about her sister. Marge flicks on the light and wakes Homer up. She calls upon a favor that Homer owes her for making her go on vacation to St Louis, home of the Bowling Hall of Fame. She demands that Homer find Selma a husband, and lays out a list of requirements that this man must possess. Homer reluctantly agrees to do so.
The next day at school, Mrs. Krabappel directs Bart's class in a chemistry experiment. The experiment involves sodium tetra sulfate, an herbicide. When Martin explains to Bart that herbicides kill grass, Bart suddenly gets an idea. Meanwhile, at the power plant, Homer makes his rounds in the plant and searches for a man for Selma. Homer targets and scans potential candidates, parodying The Terminator. After each scan, Homer's brain displays the pros and cons of each candidate. Back at the school, in the schoolyard during recess, Principal Skinner confronts Bart, Milhouse, Richard and Lewis. He informs them that he has received a tip about a mass pencil dropping event at 2:15. As Skinner walks away, the boys are bummed that someone has squealed about their prank. Bart tells them not to worry about that prank, as he pulls out a bag of sodium tetra sulfate he had hidden in the bushes. Bart rips the bag open and begins walking around the schoolyard lawn spilling the herbicide behind him.
On lunch break, Homer stops at the Kwik-E-Mart and continues his search, scanning Apu and another customer. At the school, Skinner eats his lunch in his office when he recognizes the smell of sodium tetra sulfate emanating from outside. Skinner fears the worst and rushes up to the top of the school bell tower to get a bird's eye view of the situation. His fears are realized, as he spots Bart's name spelled out in large letters, burning up the schoolyard lawn. An enraged Skinner orders Bart to his office after school. In Skinner's office, Bart is reamed out by Skinner and ordered to call Homer on the phone. As Skinner's back is turned, Bart instead calls Moe's Tavern and plays a prank call, in which he asks Moe for a man named Homer Sexual. At the bar after Moe has realized someone has prank called him, he yells back into the phone with his usual violent threats. However, Skinner has taken the phone from Bart, stops Moe in his tracks and demands to speak to Homer Simpson. Homer happens to actually be sitting right there at the bar and he takes the call.
Later in Skinner's office, Homer receives a report from Skinner on Bart's recent act of vandalism. A bored Homer tunes out Skinner, as he goes on and on about Bart's behavior. Suddenly, Homer remembers his mission and scans Skinner as a possible candidate for Selma. When his scan reveals more pros than cons, Homer interrupts Skinner and invites him for dinner as a way to repay him for the problems Bart has caused. Skinner accepts the invite and a scheming Homer exclaims, "Excellent," just like Mr. Burns.
Act Two: A dressed up Bart answers the door for Skinner as he arrives for dinner at the Simpson home. In the kitchen, Marge and her sisters prepare appetizers, while Homer and Skinner shoot the breeze in the living room. Selma becomes shy and doesn't want to introduce herself to Skinner just yet, so she sends Patty out to the living room with an appetizer tray. Homer mistakenly introduces Skinner to who he thinks is Selma, but is actually Patty. Skinner is instantly smitten with Patty, who is indifferent towards him. At dinner Skinner is busy adoring Patty and pays no attention to Selma, even though Patty shows no interest in Skinner. He asks Patty out on a date, to screen the movie Space Mutants V for the Parents' Advisory Board. Patty initially declines, but Selma tells Skinner that, "She'd be delighted." In the car ride home, Patty tells Selma that she will call and cancel the date with Skinner, but Selma insists that she go, citing the fact that Patty hasn't been on a date in 25 years.
The next day after school, Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie oversee Bart as he reseeds the vandalized lawn. Skinner, with Patty clearly on his mind, asks Bart what kind of candy Patty likes, in return for his answer, cherry cordials, Skinner lets Bart off the hook and Willie is forced reseed the field himself. As Bart walks away, Willie warns him saying, "You haven't seen the last of Willie!"
At Patty and Selma's apartment, Marge helps Patty prepare for her date with Skinner. He arrives with cherry cordials, but Patty is less than impressed, and they head off to the Springfield Revolving Restaurant for dinner. At dinner, Patty tries to deter Skinner and turn him off to her; but when Skinner shows off his authority in berating their waiter, who isn't doing a very good job and was a former student of Skinner's, Patty becomes a little interested in him. A quick cut back to the Simpson home, reveals Homer and Marge entertaining a depressed Selma, as she clips coupons.
After dinner at Space Mutants V, Patty returns to being cold to Skinner, until something scary happens in the movie. Patty screams and clutches Skinner's arm. After the movie, Skinner walks Patty to her door. They clearly are enjoying each other and when Patty realizes that she is having fun she quickly turns cold again, and declines his requests for another date. Skinner holds her tight and tries to steal a kiss, but Patty forcefully shoves him away. After Skinner falls backwards and hits the wall, Patty suddenly becomes remorseful and takes pity on him. She grants him another date and Skinner cheerfully accepts. Once inside the apartment, Selma confronts Patty and asks for every detail of the date, but Patty more or less says that the date was terrible. Selma sighs as Patty walks away into her bedroom.
A montage ensues: Bart behaves badly while Skinner looks the other way, Selma becomes further depressed, and Selma and Skinner go out on more dates in which they enjoy each other's company. At the end of one of their dates, while Skinner drops Patty off, Selma eavesdrops on the two and witnesses them kiss. Inside the apartment, Selma shakes her head as she realizes another man has slipped through her fingers.
Act Three: Skinner walks the school grounds, which have become a disaster area where the kids seem to own the school, because of Skinner's constant preoccupation of Patty. Skinner happens upon Bart who is busy spraying graffiti on the outside of the school. Skinner is oblivious to Bart's defamation, and instead of disciplining him, he tells Bart that he is going to ask Patty to marry him.
Later, at Moe's, Homer sits at the bar and explains to Moe that he still has to find a date for Selma. Barney overhears the conversation and pipes up, telling Homer that he will go out on a date with her. Meanwhile, Skinner takes Bart along with him to pick out an engagement ring for Patty. Bart and the salesman advice Skinner on the most expensive ring and Skinner decides to buy it. Later at home, Selma sits in the living room and overhears Homer and Marge in the kitchen arguing about whether or not Barney is good enough for her. Just then, Bart walks into the room and Selma asks him to talk to her, in an effort to cheer her up. She asks him how school is going and Bart promptly tells her that Skinner is going to ask Patty to marry him. Selma does not like what she has just heard and in trying to forget about it, she heads into the kitchen to accept the date with Barney.
At Patty and Selma's apartment, Homer and Marge support Selma as she readies for her date with Barney. The doorbell rings and it is a drunken and disheveled Barney at the door. As Selma and Barney head out for their date, Patty looks on and feels sad for her sister. Later at the school, Patty has her own date with Skinner. Skinner carries a blindfolded Patty up to the top of the bell tower. When she is allowed to remove her blindfold she sees, "Marry Me Patty," burned into the schoolyard lawn with tetra sulfate. When Skinner presents Patty with the ring, she confesses to him that she can't marry him, because her relationship with her sister is even more important. Skinner is devastated and stays at the school as Patty drives off alone. Skinner cries alone on the front steps of the school, but when he looks up and sees the school sign that says, "Bart Simpson, Owner and Proprietor." Skinner becomes filled with resolve and vows to take back the school.
At Moe's, Barney tries to talk to an uninterested Selma, when Patty enters and explains that she broke up with Skinner, so that the two sisters could be together again. Selma is relieved and the two leave Barney at the bar alone. Barney quickly recovers from the rejection though, with another pitcher of beer. The next day at school, a grumbling Bart reseeds the schoolyard lawn, while Skinner watches, basking in a lounge chair with some lemonade. Willie also supervises Bart and shakes his fist at him saying, "I told you you'd be back!"
End Credits: The normal Simpsons theme plays as the credits roll over a black background.
Run Time: 23:12