Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Agnes Skinner, Brandine Del Roy, Dolph and others
Homer: The only reason we don't move out of this dung hill is because of my court-ordered ankle bracelet. (his ankle bracelet beeps) I'm here, quit bugging me!
Marge: Why do you always have to show that to company?
Homer: It's a conversation-starter.
Kent Brockman: Channel 6 News rocks! A car chase every night, or the weather girl wears a tube top! And if she doesn't, you win a pizza!
(Bart is sawing through the TV)
Marge: Bart, stop that!
Bart: This isn't what it looks like.
Kent Brockman: Mr. Mayor, just how many illegitimate children are you hiding?
Mayor Quimby: Kent, I'm hiding nothing ... except this puppy. Look into his eyes and tell me I'm lying.
Kent Brockman: Well, I'm placated, and so are all my friends in the local media.
Cookie Kwan: Joe, why won't you acknowledge our love child?
Mayor Quimby: Er, uh… that is not my baby.
Baby: Er, uh, waaaah!
Lisa: Uh oh. The Christian Science Monitor has a flat tire.
Man #1: I'll get the spare.
Man #2: No! (praying) We must wait for God to jack us.
(At the women's conference)
Marge: I don't see Lisa in any of the seminars.
Homer: And I'm growing ashamed of my penis.
Kent Brockman: The cause of all this commotion is Mayor -- and suspected illegal immigrant -- Joe Quimby.
Bart: Mom, I wanna be just like you. I mean the lava part -- not saving Lisa.
Homer: Pretend to care!
(proceeds to choke Bart)
Marge: This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.
Lisa: The Juice is still on the loose.
Homer: What happened to us, Marge? We used to feed each other cheese and laugh all night. Then came the heart attacks.
Homer: I am sofa king fat!
Chloe: So, Marge, what's exciting in your life lately?
Marge: Well, uh... Oh, we finally found out why the dog was scooting around on his butt all day. Turns out he had an impacted anal gland.
Chloe: Remember to keep my boobs in the shot. And we're on in five, four, three . . .
Chloe: So, Bob, what religion have you converted to this week?
Bob Dylan: Well, you know... (he mumbles for a long time)... Shalom.
Bart: Thinking is for losers!
Kent Brockman: This just in -- I'm pissed off!
Chloe: (Knocking on trunk) Lisa, what are you doing in there?
Lisa: Praying to Buddha, Jesus, Spongebob--there's no time to be picky!
(In heaven, Buddha, Jesus, and Spongebob are looking down)
Buddha: Perhaps we should help.
Spongebob: Screw her! (Does his crazy laugh.)
Moe: You haven't tasted the last of my spit!
Homer: Woohoo! The circus!
Lisa: The MEDIA Circus.
Homer: Woohoo! I don't know the difference!
Marge: Evergreen Terrace, the street that smells like pee.
Homer: You know what would be a good name for Maggie? Chloe!
Homer (to Marge): Oh Honey, her life can't compare to yours. You got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67, and you're married to King Stink.
Bart: I didn't think anyone successful came from Springfield.
Homer: What about that two-headed goat?
Lisa: Technically, he was born in Shelbyville.
Chloe: Krusty The Clown? I thought he was dead.
Krusty: Yeah? I guess you ain't been to too many supermarket openings lately.
Blackboard Joke: Poking a dead raccoon is not research.
Couch Gag: Our favorite family enters the living, only Homer's head has been replaced by Moe's and the rest of the family all have Moe's facial characteristics as their own.
Homer: You got three kids, a TV tray from Expo '67…
Expo 67 is a cultural event that took place in Montreal, Canada in 1967 during which representatives from different countries presented exhibits of art and new technologies.
Marge: The Juice is still on the loose.
Marge's statement was a common catch-phrase during O.J. Simpson's notorious low-speed chase from the law in 1994. He was on the lam from the law for allegedly killing Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.
Men's Fatness, the magazine for obese slobs that Homer reads, is a parody of Men's Fitness magazine for bodybuilders.
To escape culpability in a sex scandal, Mayor Quimby uses a cute dog to cover up his misdeeds, a la vice presidential candidate Richard Nixon in his famous 1952 "Checkers" speech. Nixon was accused of taking $18,000 from his supporters, a charge he strongly denied. Checkers, of course, was the cocker spaniel a campaign supporter from Texas gave Nixon's daughters as a present.
The title of this episode is taken from a song of the same name by the O'Jays.
Chloe: How about a half hour of pity sex?
When Chloe and Barney have pity sex in the helicopter, music very similar to the theme song from Sex In The City plays. This is a reference to Kim Cattrall's (the voice of Chloe's) character on the series.
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