Marge Simpson, Patty Bouvier, and Selma Bouvier
Mr. Burns, Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, Waylon Smithers, Kent Brockman, and others
Homer Simpson, Grampa Simpson, Barney Gumble, Krusty the Clown, Groundskeeper Willie, and others
Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, Ralph Wiggum, Todd Flanders, and others
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Lou, and others
Milhouse Van Houten, Rod Flanders, Jimbo Jones, and others
This episode has the first appearance of Moe's cat Mr. Snookums.
When Homer is watching the Navy commercial you can see that Lisa is reading Junior Skeptic magazine.
(after Homer has fired the sub captain at the second submarine, leaving a human-shaped dent in the second submarine)
Second Submarine Crewman: We've been hit by an officer!
Second Submarine Captain: If they're going to fire on us, we'll respond in kind! Fire! (several crewmen grab the captain) Not me, a torpedo!
Lisa: I think you're a hero, Dad!
Homer: Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart. Boy, I guess I was wrong about that earring. It saved us all.
Bart: Hey, can I get a tattoo that says "Bite Me"? You never know when it might come in handy!
Homer: I don't think so, son.
Bart: King Cobra?
Bart: Weapons-grade plutonium?
Homer: Ask your mother.
Bart: Knock-out drops?
Bart: Ninja death stars?
Homer: Maybe for Christmas.
Man: Attention, Homer Simpson. you have ten seconds to explain your actions before we open fire.
Homer: Uh ... it's my first day!
Apu: You saved us, Homer!
Homer: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface!
Moe: Would you wanna stop callin' me "Mr. Moe"?
Barney: May day, may day! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
Homer: You mean water?
Barney: Yeah, that's it.
Kent: Well sir, treason season started early this year, as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.
(A picture of Homer, dressed as a drunk, dancing Russian, pops up on the screen.)
Marge: Oh my God!
Lisa: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
Female Officer: Fifteen seconds to collision! We need a decision.
Homer: Hmm, what would the Captain say in my spot?
(From inside the torpedo tube, Captain Tennille yells.)
Tennille: Don't fire the torpedoes!
Homer: Fire the torpedoes!
Lisa: Be careful, Dad.
Homer: Oh, Lisa, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me.
(Homer starts imagining)
Homer: Damn you, Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! Can't we all just get along?
Homer: You know, Marge, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did. I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later I'm going to get Gilligan's autograph.
Marge: I'm so proud of you, Homey!
Homer: Then I'll whomp him with my hat! (laughs)
Man with Eye Patch: Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.
Principal Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of Gypsy obstraction.
Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a Gypsy.
Principal Skinner: Oh, really! Prove it.
Milhouse: Uh, I vant to suck your blood!
Principal Skinner: Nuh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on!
Milhouse: Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Bart: Milhouse, my Mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No! I think she's hot! Sorry… it just slipped out.
Homer: See you in a week!
Lisa: Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Military Industrial Complex of which you are now a part.
Homer: Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.
Bart: Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
Bart: But Flanders got his kids torpedoes!
Homer: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
Homer: But only if you're good! … Even if you're not.
Homer: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
Barney: Where you going?
Homer: I've joined the Naval Reserve!
Barney: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!
Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!
Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey! I'm in too!
Doughnut 1: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!
Doughnut 2: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu… hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?
Homer: Uh… maybe.
Homer: Please remain calm and think of your loved ones!
Moe: Oh Mr. Snuggles, I wuv you so...What you lookin' at!?
Abe: My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!
Homer: Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy!
Bart: Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?
Homer: Well, when I was 10 I got my ears pierced. But this is completely different!
Ralph: My neck hurts and my ear hurts. I have two owies!
Marge: What on earth possessed you to getting an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one!
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!
Guy: Can I help you?
Bart: I'd like to get my ears pierced!
Guy: Better make it quick, kiddo, in five minutes this place is becoming a Starbucks!
Homer: No way man! My hair is who I am!
(Homer's two hairs are cut off)
Homer: Oh, I'm a freak!
Homer: We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light
(He starts clapping)
Marge: We don't have a clapper!
Homer: (Clapping) Sorry, can't hear you, Marge. I'm clapping!
(Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window.)
Homer: Nightie night!
Sergeant: Your mommies aren't here!
Barney: Mine is!
(Cuts to Barney's mom who looks exactly like him except for a dress, long hair and a girly hat and she belches)
Sergeant: All right Simpson, you don't like me and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Sergeant: All right, you like me, but I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me!
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out! What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
(Milhouse shows off his earring to the kids in awe on the bus.)
Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out. (Singing) "Everybody if you can do the Bartman/Shake your body, turn it out if you can, man/Do the Bartman, yeah!"
(The kids look at him bored.)
Ralph: That is so 1991.
Moe: Main power down. Auxiliary power down. We're down to mood lighting here!
(A Muzak version of "Girl from Ipanema" begins to play, and Homer starts to dance)
(Homer is dreaming)
Donut: Mmm, Homer.
Homer: You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable."
Tennille: I'm a man of few words… Any questions?
Homer: Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?
Tennille: (laughs) I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib?
Tennille: (laughs, then speaks to his sergeant) Promote that man.
Tenille: Simpson, as you have experience in a nuclear power plant, you can serve on a submarine.
Homer: Nu-cue-lar. It's pronounce nu-cue-lar.
Tennille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?
(While Tennille was speaking, Homer is trying to reach a bowl of peas from the center of the table.)
Homer: I want peas!
Tennille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.
Homer: (moans) Uh huh?
Tennille: So, what's the best way to get peace?
Homer: With the knife! (Gets his peas)
Tennille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet! Ha, ha, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.
Blackboard Joke: My butt does not deserve a website.
Couch Gag: A parody of the opening credits of Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Captain & Tennille
Right before Homer is about to be shipped off a man named Captain Tennille talks to the Naval Reserves, a reference to the singing duo of Captain & Tennille.
The name of the shop that Bart goes in to get his piercing is called In 'N Out Eat Piercing, a play on the title of the popular fast food chain In-N-Out Burger.
Homer: Mr. Sulu, take a left.
Sulu: Aye aye, Captain. Setting course for Rigel 7, I mean, home.
Mr. Sulu, a character from the original Star Trek series (played by George Takei), serves on the submarine for some reason.
Moe: The Deer Hunter? That reminds me...
Moe has some people in the back room of the bar playing Russian roulette like the POW's were forced to do in the 1978 film The Deer Hunter.
The title of this episode as well as parts of the plot, allude to the 1995 movie Crimson Tide.
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