Homer: I'll do it! I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart! Alright, put your...
(Homer realizes he's already driving away from the Kwik-E-Mart, with a hotdog in his hand)
Homer: D'oh! Oh well, I'll rob it next time.
Marge: Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst - the most despicable!
Homer: But Marge, I swear to you - I never thought you'd find out!
Homer: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die.
Marge: Homer, I don't guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would have made a lot more sense.
(Homer grabs for his gun, but the cashier holds onto it.)
Cashier: Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Homer: Five days? But I'm mad now!
(The cashier pulls the gun away from Homer.)
Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun.
Cashier: Yeah, well, you don't.
Homer: (walking out of store to his car) Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two… (at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom) …let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods…
Lisa: Dad…it's three A.M! Can't you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: (groans) All right. Go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children…
Gun Shop Owner: Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster…
Homer: Oh, yeah.
Gun Shop Owner: Bandoleer.
Gun Shop Owner: Silencer.
Gun Shop Owner: Loudener.
Homer: (drooling noise)
Gun Shop Owner: Speed-cocker.
Homer: Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Gun Shop Owner: And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
Homer: Oh, I don't need anything like that… (paranoid)…yet. Just give me my gun. (grabs for gun)
Homer: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.
Gun Shop Owner: Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.
Salesman: Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all. (He begins to pocket a few items from around the house.)
Homer: (to Marge) What did I tell you, Marge?
Salesman: Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.
Marge: Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Homer: Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. (pushes one of the Scotsmen)
Scotsman: (turns to face Homer, screaming) Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!
Homer: All done! (runs off)
TV Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Homer: Oh, I never heard of those people.
TV Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs!
Cletus: Are you some kind of moron?
Homer: Yeah, but...
Moe: And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.
Marge: I'm a lucky woman.
Homer: And I'm a wonderful man.
Homer: If a gun can protect something as important as a bar, then it's good enough to protect my family.
Moe: It could have been a real ugly situation, but luckily I managed to shoot him in the spine.
Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher's knife or a harpoon, or... or an alligator.
Salesman: But surely you can't put a price on your family's lives!
Homer: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are.
Kent Brockman: ...So, for the next several years, it's every man for himself.
(Snake walks out of Flanders' house with his TV)
Ned: Sir, I think you've got my TV! Sir?
Lady: Lookin' for a good time, sailor?
Bart: I certainly am!
Marge: No you're not! He's really not.
(The Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier.)
Marge: Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Homer: Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
(Points gun to himself)
Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!
Homer: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. (Homer attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board)
Homer: Oh…I guess the safety was on. (He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest)
Homer: …I'd better just put it down.
(He sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes)
Lisa: No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.
Homer: Come to the NRA meeting with me and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.
(Homer, now alone in the house, walks around shooting the light bulbs out)
Homer: Oh, this gun cost me everything. My wife, my kids, all but my precious, precious gun.
(He shoots out the last bulb in the house, leaving him in the darkness)
Homer: This stinks. I want my family back.
Announcer: This match will decide which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!
Homer: But I have to have a gun. It's in the Constitution.
Lisa: Dad, the 2nd Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today.
Homer: You couldn't be more wrong Lisa. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants and start shoving you around. Do you want that? (Pokes Lisa) Huh? (Shoves her) Do ya!?
(The Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored.)
Brockman (Obviously bored as he calls the actions): Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it.
Mexican Announcer (Excitedly): Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!
Homer: I'm sorry I lied to you Marge, but this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
(Lisa is looking sad)
Homer: What's wrong Lisa?
Lisa: My ball is stuck on the roof.
Homer: No problem.
(Homer shoots the ball flat and it falls off the roof)
Homer: Want me to get the cat down?
Lisa: No thanks.
Gun Shop Owner: Whoah! Careful there Annie Oakley.
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.
Soccer Announcer: (referring to soccer) It's all here: fast kickin', low scorin', and ties.
During the DVD commentary of this episode, Mike Scully made a call to the writer of the episode, John Swartzwelder, without telling him that he was on the commentary since he had refused to ever take part. This is the only time the reclusive writer has ever appeared on a Simpsons DVD commentary.
Originally, this episode was banned on Sky One in the UK due to scenes of Homer using a gun but the episode has been released on the "Too Hot for TV" VHS and DVD and aired sometimes on BBC2. On September 26th 2005 it finally premiered on Sky One. Channel 4 broadcasts a censored version of the episode, edited to suggest that Marge disposes of the handgun in the final scene.
This episode is one of the few to have a disclaimer during the end credits stating that the celebrity voices are impersonated.
Blackboard Joke: Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story.
Couch Gag: The couch is a trough filled with water. The family comes in with their butts on fire, sit in the trough, and breathe a sigh of relief as the fires are extinguished.
Fun With Dick And Jane
When Homer fantasizes about robbing the Quick-E-Mart and Marge is happy, and Homer is showing off his handgun. This is a parody from the 1977 movie Fun With Dick And Jane where a couple (played by George Segal and Jane Fonda) and Dick loses his job and the couple commit robberies just to support themselves.
Bed, Bath and Beyond
The store that Homer buys his gun at is named "Bloodbath and Beyond," a reference to the retail chain, Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Monday Night Football
The soccer announcer proclaiming "Are you ready for some soccer!?" is a parody of Hank Williams Jr's line, "Are you ready for some football!?" from the Monday Night Football introduction.
At the end of the episode, where Marge admires herself posing with the gun, the music hints at the theme tune to 60's television series, The Avengers.
The Partridge Family
The title of the episode is a play on the title of the television series, The Partridge Family.
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