The Simpsons Season 9 Episode 15

Agnes: Oh you're burning it all wrong Seymour.
Principle Skinner: It's my allowance mother; I'll burn it however I want.

Bart: I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again!
Krusty: Me, I learned something about myself today. It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out.

Homer: Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Bart: Dad!
Homer: You too, Bart!
Marge: Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!
Homer: (shocked) You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

Exec 1: Wow… they're hanging on his every word! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Exec 2: I hope so… (puts his hand on his colleague's)
Exec 1: I thought I made myself clear in Boston.

(Marge and Homer enter Moe's)
Marge: Four drink minimum?
Homer: I'll cover ya, honey.

Krusty: Last night's comedy benefit delivered wall-to-wall laughs without exception… Phew! The only exception was the dated humor of Springfield's green haired, red-nosed hack… (turns pages) Yeah yeah yeah… Krusty the Clown! Ohhhhh…

Guy: Five minutes, Krusty.
Krusty: Oh, I ain't going back out there.
Guy: No, five minutes to get your stuff and get out!

Janeane Garofalo: I got my period today.
Marge: (Spits out drink in shock) Good lord!
Janeane Garofalo: Plus got a new boyfriend, and you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.
Homer: (laughing hysterically) Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!

Bart: Yeah, excuse me, I'm looking for somebody called.. Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: Somebody wanna get this kid a TV?
Bart: Wow, thanks, mister!

Lisa: Mom, these are at least two sizes two big!
Marge: Perfect, you'll grow into them!
Bart: When?
Marge: Ooh, you're both way overdue for a spurt.

Marge: They need a good, stiff, all-purpose dress shoe. Something for church, but also for doctors appointments, dental checkups, piano recitals, building dedications, visiting elderly relatives, haircuts, and shoe shopping!
Gil: Well, we have a brown shoe.
Marge: You hear that kids, brown!

Marge: Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!
(Bart and Lisa sigh)
Bart: What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.
Homer: Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

Lenny: I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again.
Homer: I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These are driving me nuts!

Krusty: Have you ever noticed how there are two phone books? A white one and a yellow one? What's the deal with that?
Lisa: One's residential, the other is business.
Krusty: Well, that...makes sense. What'll they think of next? Blue pages?
Marge: They have those. They're Government listings.
Krusty: I see.

Bart: And then of course there's mom, who sounds something like this: "Eat your vegetables," "Take a sweater," "I don't think that's a good idea," "Hmmmm."
Homer: (Laughs) Take that Marge!

Krusty: Ah! Ah! That burns! What the hell's on those things?
Bart: Here, quick, use my Krusty eye wash!
Krusty: No! Not on your life!

Todd: Wow! A Clown...do you think he's evil?
Rod: He smells evil.
Todd: Should we tell daddy?
Rod: No, let's poke him a little while longer.
Bart: Hey, get away from him, you little freaks!
Todd/Rod: Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

Comedian: I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the Zebra did it!
(The crowd laughs)
Homer: I don't get it.
Lisa: Dad, the Zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary.
Homer: I still don't get it.
Lisa: It's just a joke.
Homer: Oooh! I get it! I get jokes. (Laughs)

Man: Excuse me sir, do you like to laugh?
Dr. Hibbert: Well...only if something tickles me just right.
(He then proceeds to laugh for about 10 seconds)

Gil: D'ouh…would you mind lacing them up kid I have a bad back.
Bart: Hey, if you didn't wanna tie shoes, you shouldn't have become a shoe salesman.
(Gil bends over and his back makes loud cracking noises)

The "Canyonero" Jingle:
Can you name the truck with the four-wheel drive?
Smells like a steak and seats thirty-five!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down,
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Hey, hey!
Twelve yards long, two lanes wide,
sixty-five tons of American pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
She blinds everybody with her super high-beams,
She's a squirrel-squashin', deer-smackin' drivin' machine.
Canyonero! Canyonero! Canyonero!
Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa!

(Homer walks into the bathroom about to take a pee)
Bart: Dad!
Homer: Whoops, sorry, son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno and a monkey were bathing a clown!
Krusty: Well, they are, so make with the loofah, or get out of here!

Bart: Oh, these tangles are just impossible!
(Everyone looks at him.)
Bart: Well, they are!