A long time ago, in a galaxy not so far away... I got my hands on a copy of this infamous video. I was so excited to see it that I decided to keep a journal of my viewing experience, a minute-by-minute account of what I was thinking and feeling as the video played. I've decided to share this very personal review and have reprinted it here.
0:00:10 - Han & Chewie flying around in the Millennium Falcon. Off to a great start!
0:01:45 - Opening introductions. Looks like everybody from the original movie is on board here. Luke, Han, Leia, C-3PO, Diahann Carroll.... Wait... What?
0:03:00 - It appears I'm being treated to a glimpse inside an actual wookie household! I guess it's kind of an "Osbourne's" type of deal. But surely the Chewbacca family is just a little more stable than that of Ozzy's... Right?
0:04:30 - Chewie's vocalizations always sound like a bear or a dog trying to speak. In the case of his Son, it sounds like he's unsuccessfully attempting to vomit up a handful of marbles.
0:07:30 - Think I saw the elder wookie engage in some inappropriateness with the younger one. But I'm probably mistaken and have decided to let it go. At any rate, I've taken to calling him "Uncle Touchy".
0:09:00 - My suspicions about "Uncle Touchy" may be justified after all. It seems he's slipped the junior wookie some sort of hallucinogen, who's now stuporously watching some six inch weirdos frolic around on the coffee table. On the bright side: at least it can't get any more strange than this... Right?
0:13:00 - First scene with Luke Skywalker. Apparently he's had his face removed and replaced with a lifeless porcelain replica, complete with evil looking doll eyes. I'm not the only one who found this frightening, as R2D2 just tried to burn his head off with hot steam.
0:20:00 - Harvey Korman is in drag and teaching one of the wookies to cook. Luckily my brain did me a favor and initiated an emergency blackout.
0:22:30 - Came out of blackout to find myself standing in the kitchen with a zippo lighter in my hand. The odor of gasoline fumes quickly brings me to me senses and I realize that the last scene has affected me so deeply that I never want to see a kitchen again in my life. My brain knew I would never agree to such extreme methods and decided to black me out, grab a can of gas and a lighter, and get rid of the room that has become a horrifying reminder of such an emotionally damaging scene. Thankfully I came to in time to stop it. Then, just over my shoulder, I hear something and realize that the Star Wars Holiday Special is still playing on my television. A chill goes through my spine as I hear the high-pitched shriek of Harvey Korman: "Stir, Whip! Stir, Whip! Whip, Whip, Stir! HEE HEE!!!" I immediately flip the lighter back open, strike the flame and decide my brain was right as I set the kitchen ablaze.
0:29:00 - Fire department is on their way. I turn my attention back to the screen just in time to catch Art Carney strap Uncle Touchy into some kind of virtual reality sex toy. I wonder if I'm really seeing this or just suffering from smoke-inhalation induced dementia.
0:36:00 - First scene with Princess Leia. For some reason Carrie Fisher's heart just doesn't seem to be into it this time around. I can tell from the look in her eyes that she'd rather be making out with Jabba The Hut than delivering her awful lines.
0:44:00 - Fire department arrived. I tried to explain what happened and when I mentioned I was watching Star Wars, one of the firefighters exclaimed "Sweet! Which one are you watching? My favorite is "The Empire Strikes..." He stopped dead in his tracks when he looked over my shoulder at the TV just as Jefferson Starship floated on screen making sounds that can only be compared to a cat with down syndrome being raped by an air-raid siren. An expression crossed his face that I have never seen before. It was a mixture of confusion, anger and deep depression. "Not... cool," he growled through clenched teeth. He fired a commanding look at his colleagues and they silently began to leave. "I'm so... sorry," I solemnly whispered as the door harshly closed behind them. Once again, I was all alone. Just me and this horrible video.
0:54:00 - An animated scene about Boba Fett mercilessly torturing animals and Luke Skywalker's confusion over why this behavior would make someone a bad person. Classic Star Wars morality tale.
0:60:00 - Stuck my fingers in my ears and shouted gibberish at he top of my lungs. It's a notable improvement over the dialogue between an animated Luke Skywalker and what was either Han Solo or the deformed offspring of David Duchovny and a giant penis.
1:08:00 - The Mos Eisley cantina. This is promising!
1:08:30 - Wookie bartender that Harvey Korman is now groping looks an awful lot like Dorothy from "The Golden Girls". I make a promise to myself to never step foot in another bar for the rest of my life.
1:13:00 - Find myself wondering how many Alka-Seltzer tablets would constitute a lethal dose. Run to the bathroom and only find 20. Realize it would only be enough to cause stomach irritation. Don't want to be stuck watching this video with painful gas and put them back in the drawer.
1:17:00 - The Bea Arthur/Wookie creature is attempting to sing. I decide it's worth the risk, swallow all 20 Alka-Seltzer's and pray for a quick death.
1:24:00 - Chewie's wife just made a pass at Han Solo. But I barely notice as the overdose is taking effect. The pain that is now gripping my insides feels like the hand of a merciful God reaching down from the heavens to rescue me from the last 15 minutes of this video.
1:32:00 - Death by effervescent antacid never comes and I'm fully conscious in time to catch the last musical number. It dawns on me that perhaps the Alka-Seltzer did in fact kill me and I'm now being musically greeted by the gatekeepers of hell.
1:36:30 - The credits begin to roll and I know now that I've been wrong about something my entire life. I used to think that Santa Claus made only two lists every year. One for nice people who get gifts and goodies, and one for naughty people who get lumps of coal. I was unaware of the third list that strictly consists of all the names that are appearing on the screen before me. It's the "Beyond Forgiveness" list and every year Santa looks at this list and is reminded of how these people besmirched everything that is great about the Holidays. He then stuffs their stockings with diarrhea and hepatitis.