We all heard the story but few have ever really lived parallel of it..
What a "Lucky Ducky" life I have had..
Like the ugly ducky in the story, I too felt I had been singled out way back from as early as my childhood days.. Being different from the others I was (or felt) left out for one reason or another. I wasn't given opportunities because of others passing judgement solely based on my appearance. I was always clumsy, awkward and kinda like a geek without intelligence.. I never was given a chance to make an impression with my personality so you would have to wonder how that would even come to develop later in life... Gosh, people really can be cruel. Sad thing is if one was only looking at my exterior they would see were the things they said were right, I did look like Olive Oyl (because of being all legs) and an aardvark thanks to my big wide and long nose. But at least weight wasn't an issue back then..
All during school I heard these names along with 100's others.. I always seem to be in trouble where ever I went because I felt I had to fight, fight for me or was it because of wanting someones attention after all you might understand my line of thinking at the time, getting attention wither it be positive or negative it was sitill attention in my eyes..
I struggled to fit in, I wanted to be popular and go the places and do the things popular kids did but let's face it... I wasn't pretty enough to belong in their click. Nor was my father a doctor or a lawyer he was merely a roofer.. A dirty roofer who worked twice as hard as any of their dads and for what, not even half of what others had therefore it goes without saying I never was able to have the nice things, the latest fashions, a nice family car or go on family vacations..
Like the ugly duckling I too set out on mine own or so I thought... I married the first man that showed the least bit of interest.. We had 2 children right away.. Boy, did I let myself go then.. I really not know what I was thinking like so man women I guess I took the relationship for granted, Thoughts of "He won't leave me and these babies" was a constant thought I had in the back of my mind.. Depression hit me all at once.. I cried for no reason, again felt as if I had nothing good to give.. Nothing for my husband, children or even myself. Saying it now makes me ashamed of how childish and inmature I really was.
Well, here it is 31 years later. Our children are all grown with families and problems of their own. My husband left me Christmas morning 1996. Here I sit all alone in a big city.. No, I haven't given up, I've just given in again... Today I weigh over 200 pounds, I have cut my hair so damn short I could be taken for a man if it wasn't for these breast implants stuck inside my chest. My physical being is some what the same if not worse.. I struggle daily with how I am going to face the world, how I'm going to try to again fit in. My mental state is exhausted.. I have sat and beat myself up so many times yet have done nothing about the problems. I really need some motivation, a goal, something to look forward to and someone to say "You're going to make it, and you so deserve it Lois".. Something has got to change and quickly.. Life is to short to live so unhappy for so long.
I want to smile, have a belly laugh!! Giggle with the girls and wink at the boys.. All the while wondering why I'm not and then I answer my on questions with; You're obese, you have no sex appeal, you have no interesting conversation and a sour personality! You've got BAGGAGE baby!!
This old shell in which I live is nothing to write home about, let alone a best seller like "The Ugly Duckling" (guess thats where the duck & I differ.) But even at this age I feel there could be yet a shimmer of hope and I am willing to surrender, give someone else complete control, if you would see fit to making me into a "Swan". Bring on the counselors, a super duper nutritionist, a full staff of stylist, a steady handed surgeons, a no non-sense trainers and don't forget the amazing dentist!! I need the works!!
Please let me hear from you, after all I have waited my entire life for a chance like this..
The book "The Ugly Duckling"as written in 1843, although I am no way near that old... I do have allot of miles on me for a 45 year old..
My sincerest regards,