The War At Home Season 1 Episode 22

Judge: (to Dave) I was going to suspend your license for 90 days and fine you $500. But given these new circumstances, I can no longer do that.
Dave: Thank you, Your Honor. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Judge: You are, however, guilty of perjury and of falsifying a police report. The court hereby fines you $5,000.
(cut scene)
Dave: What the hell is wrong with my daughter? Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut like every other ungrateful teenager? Freakin' big mouth.

Vicky: All right, I need a favor. I need you to make fun of your brother to the point where he's too embarrassed to go to Shakespeare camp.
Mike: Excuse me?
Vicky: You know, you go, "Hey, Larry, Shakespeare camp, huh? Was sex change camp all filled up?" But, you know, in your own style.
Mike: Forget it, Mom, I'm not doing that?
Vicky: Why not? Since when do you care about hurting his feelings?
Mike: Oh, I don't care about hurting his feelings, okay? I'm just not going to talk him out of leaving the house for two weeks. That's my summer vacation.

Vicky: Okay, look, I'm gonna level with you. I forgot to send his application in, and now I feel like the worst mother in the world. You just gotta let him in. I can't live with the guilt.
Camp Director: Sorry, Mrs. Gold, I would love to have Larry at Camp To Be Or Not To Be, but unfortunately, for this summer, it's not to be.

Dave: $8,200, Mike. What are you going to do with your share of the money?
Mike: I don't know, um, video games, maybe DVDs, candy. What about you, Dad?
Dave: Yeah, me, too. Candy.
(cut scene; Dave is at a strip club)
Candy: Thank you, Dave.
Dave: You're welcome, Candy.

Dave: (about Hillary) Ah, you're just jealous because right now, she likes me more than she likes you.
Vicky: Well, maybe I should toss back a couple of cocktails and take her for a joyride.
Dave: Well, guess what? You can't. Car's been impounded.

Vicky: You could lose your license over this.
Dave: You don't know what you're talking about. For your information, I already lost it.

(in the car, with Hillary driving)
Dave: Pay attention to what you're doing! You see the dotted line in the middle of the road? No, you don't, because you're on it. Move over.
Hillary: Relax, Daddy!
(police siren sounds)
Dave: Oh, that's not good.

(in the car, with Hillary driving)
Dave: All right, not too fast. Keep your eyes on the road. Good. All right, let's go home.
Hillary: I've only been driving, like, five minutes.
Dave: Well, it seems like a lot longer when your entire life flashes in front of your eyes.

(cut scene)
Dave: It was a toss-up. I mean, tell Vicky I'm letting Mike gamble or get in a car with Hillary. Either way, I'm probably dead.

Dave: You want to tell me what the hell this is?
Mike: Okay, um... I mailed in a pre-approved credit card application in your name and used it to sign up for an online poker site.
Dave: How much you want to bet I'm gonna kick your ass right now?

Dave: (on the phone) No, no, miss, you're not understanding me. I never applied for this credit card. (to the TV) Oh, you suck! (to person on phone) No, no, sorry, not you. Yeah. Although, you did keep me waiting on hold for 15 minutes.

Dave: (about Larry) Yeah, God forbid my kid miss Shakespeare camp this year. Who are all the other dads going to make fun of?

Dave: (watching basketball game on TV) Yes! Rejection! In your face!
Hillary: Daddy, will you take me to practice driving now?
Dave: No! Rejection! In your face!
Hillary: But you promised.
Dave: Ah, let that be a little life lesson to you, sweetie. Men break their promises, so stay away from them, all of them, especially me when I'm watching the game. Get out of here.