The War at Home

Season 1 Episode 8

The Empire Spanks Back

Aired Sunday 7:30 PM Nov 27, 2005 on FOX
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Episode Summary

The Empire Spanks Back
When Dave thinks the kids are getting away with too much, he implements a zero-tolerance, pro-spanking policy, since talking to them just isn't working. However, they all think he's bluffing and don't take him seriously. After Larry becomes the first to be spanked, he moves in with his friend, Kenny. Now, Child Protective Services is called and Dave will have to answer to them.moreless

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Anoush Nevart

Anoush Nevart

Kenny's Mom

Guest Star

Ryan Devlin

Ryan Devlin


Guest Star

Carla Renata

Carla Renata

Eartha Marshall

Guest Star

Tom McGowan

Tom McGowan


Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (20)

    • Mike: Dad just beat the crap out of Larry!

    • (After Hillary arrives home late)
      Dave: So, uh, what's your excuse this time?
      Hillary: I went to see my friend Keith's band, and they didn't go on until 10:00. And it just would've been rude if I left in the middle.
      Dave: Your friend Keith's band? Who the hell is Keith?
      Hillary: He's this guy that I really, really like, and it was really important for me to be there so I could get on his radar.
      Dave: Look, I don't want you on his radar, okay? I don't want you on any of his equipment.

    • Dave: You know, when I was a kid, I wouldn't dare talk back to my dad. You know why? 'Cause I was afraid of him. But we're so concerned with the kids liking us, now they see me as their best friend instead of the authority figure that I am.
      Vicky: Um, Dave? I'm pretty sure if you asked them, they wouldn't consider you their best friend. In fact, not even a "top five" friend.

    • Mike: Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this math test.
      Dave: You failed?
      Mike: No, my teacher just wants your autograph. He's a big fan of mid-level insurance salesmen.

    • Dave: Come on, sweetie, I supported your stupid swear jar idea.
      Vicky: What? We put a dollar in a jar. We didn't hit them over the head with it.
      Dave: I'm not going to hit them. It was just a threat. See? This is just what we need. I created a total climate of fear.
      Vicky: Yeah, you're sure as hell scaring me.

    • Vicky: Sweetie, where are you going?
      Larry: Dad beat me up, so I'm moving to Kenny's.

    • (Cut scene, about Dave spanking him)
      Larry: Okay, it didn't really hurt, but it was humiliating. He just thinks he can get away with this 'cause he thinks I'm a wuss. Well, I showed him. I packed my bags and walked right out of there.

    • Larry: 15 minutes of TV?
      Kenny: It's not so bad. So, which half of That '70s Show do you want to watch?

    • Eartha: Mr. Gold?
      Dave: Yeah?
      Eartha: I'm Eartha Marshall. I work at Child Services.
      Dave: No, thanks, I already have three.

    • Eartha: When you hit Larry, was it open-fist, closed-fist, with a belt?
      Dave: It was with remorse.

    • Kenny's Mom: What do you want?
      Dave: I'm here for Larry.
      Kenny's Mom: Larry, quickly, lock yourself in the bathroom! I will call nine hundred and eleven!

    • Keith: And, hey, don't worry I'll treat Hillary with the respect that she deserves.
      Dave: Ah. Well, you better treat her better than that.

    • Keith: And, hey, I promise you, if her curfew is 10:00, I'm gonna make sure she's home at 9:58, all right?
      (Cut scene)
      Dave: (On one knee, holding a wedding ring) Keith, will you please marry my daughter and make me the happiest man on Earth?

    • Mike: What do you mean you're coming home? You can't; it'll ruin everything.
      Larry: But I hate it at Kenny's. His parents make me do chores, and they don't let me eat candy or drink soda. I'd rather be hit.

    • Mike: Larry getting his ass beat is the best thing that's ever happened to us.
      Larry: It's not the best thing that's ever happened to me.
      Mike: This isn't about you.

    • Joe: No, Dave. I love my kids. I'd never hit them or threaten them with violence.
      Dave: Oh.
      Joe: I did spank my wife once, though. But in all fairness, that was her idea.

    • Larry: Dad must get mad at you sometimes. What do you do to make him forgive you?
      Vicky: (Thinks for a moment) Yeah, that's not going to work for you, Larry.

    • (Cut scene, about Larry)
      Dave: To be honest, I'm proud of him. When he punched me, he became a man. If you overlook the running away and squealing like a little girl part.

    • Dave: (About Keith) He has a baby?
      Hillary: Did I not mention that?

    • Dave: (To the kids) Remember, I'm the stallion, okay? You're nothing but ponies!

  • NOTES (9)