Whenever we see the "Reasons to Live" board, there are different amounts of ink left on the board.
Dave: There you are. Hey, hey. What's the matter? Are you upset because of all those mean things I said to you?
Vicky: (crying) No. I'm crying because they're all true. I am a controlling, fascist, dictating ballabusta.
Dave: Aw, come on. No, you're not.
Vicky: Yes, I am.
Dave: No... you're not.
Vicky: Yes, I am!
Dave: All right, take it easy.
Dave: (standing next to a "Reasons to Live" chart) All right, let's see. I have one son that ignores everything I say. (erases Mike's name from chart) The other one ran away. (erases Larry's name from chart) I have a wife that thinks I'm a jackass who needs a haircut. (erases Vicky's name from chart, leaving "Hillary" and "Beer") Well, at least I have beer in the fridge and a daughter that thinks I'm a hero.
Dave: So, uh, you didn't listen to anything I said before?
Mike: Look, Dad, no offense. Um, I pretty much don't listen to anything you say... ever. I mean, I listen for key words, like "Dinner's ready" or "allowance" or "Fire!", but, you know, -- the rest is just... background noise.
Dave: Are you done with that? I'd like to make a phone call, assuming that's okay with you.
Vicky: Sure, go ahead. But when you're done, could you do me a favor?
Vicky: Shove it up your ***.
Dave: Well, if I do, it's not going to be because you told me to.
Hillary: (about Chelsea) Why is she doing this to me?
Dave: Why? Sweetie, take a look in the mirror. Okay, you're gorgeous and have a perfect figure. But her? She weighs about 32 pounds and has a tush like a bag of oranges.
Dave: Would you stop it? Please. Stop bossing me around.
Vicky: Excuse me?
Dave: You always tell me what to do. I can't let Larry have Ice Capades tickets. I can't tell Mike he can have girls in his room. I can't even decide when I should get my hair cut. And yes, I realize it's a little bushy, but my hairdresser, Mr. Tony, he's in Barbados, and he's the only one I trust.
Vicky: What are you talking about?
Dave: And another thing. You know, the only reason why you like that Heidi girl is because she's just like you. She's a little, controlling, bossy ballabusta.
Vicky: Is that really what you think of me?
Dave: Oh, it's not just me. Everyone thinks that. If you don't believe me, go ask Larry. Oh, wait. You can't. He ran away from you.
Vicky: Okay, well, you know what? I have no idea where this is coming from, but can I just say something, honey?
Vicky: Okay. Go screw yourself.
Dave: You see that? You're always telling me what to do.
Dave: You don't want to spend the rest of your life being bossed around by some girl.
Mike: What, you mean like you?
Vicky: (answering phone) Hello.
Larry: Hello, Mom. It's me. I just want to let you know that I'm on a bus heading south. Right now we're going through New Jersey and we should be in Washington D.C. soon. What do you think about that?!
Vicky: Washington? I think you should stop by the White House. I understand there's someone who lives there who also doesn't keep their promises.
Larry: Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. The next time you see this face, it'll probably be on a milk carton.
Dave: You know, technically, they only put you on milk cartons if someone's actually looking for you.
Hillary: (about Chelsea) Now she hates me and we're not friends anymore, and she's spreading these horrible rumors about me to everyone.
Dave: Oh, don't worry about it, sweetie. It's high school. Everybody says bad things about everyone.
Hillary: She called me a slut.
Dave: Oh, no, she didn't.
Hillary: Oh, yes, she did.
Dave: Oh, no, she did not.
Hillary: Oh, yes, she did.
Dave: You're not, are you?
Hillary: Of course not!
Dave: Which one is Chelsea?
Vicky: You remember that skinny blonde who came to Hillary's birthday dinner last year? And she ordered the Surf and Turf.
Dave: Oh, oh, the anorexic one? Yeah, she surfed that meal down her throat and turfed it up right in the ladies' room. 80 bucks. Why couldn't she just order a side of rice? Oh, I hate her.
Hillary: (reading on her cell phone) Oh, she's such an idiot!
Dave: Hey, don't talk about your mother like that. She's right here.
Dave: (to Mike) Hey, you know, there's something very special about having your first girlfriend.
Hillary: Dad, I don't know what you heard, but she's not my girlfriend. We just made out once on a dare.
Dave: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me?
Hillary: Oh, never mind. Nothing. You were saying?
Dave: Hey, hey, hey, there he is. What's going on, Studly?
Mike: Oh, my God. Mom, you told him? You're like a parrot, you know that? You repeat everything. (squawks like a parrot) Mike has a girlfriend, Mike has a girlfriend.
Dave: Hey, for your information, your mother didn't say anything. So, is she hot?
Vicky: Dave, she's 13.
Dave: Right, right. Sorry. So, is she hot?
Dave: What's going on?
Vicky: Nothing. Well, actually, there is something. It's about Mike, but I'm not allowed to say anything.
Dave: Yeah, sweetie, I know I say, "What's going on," but it's just an expression, you know. Something to bridge the gap between "I'm home" and "Can I have a beer?"
Dave: (to Vicky) Kids suck.
Dave: (to Vicky) You did take the pill, right? I don't want the night we ran away from the kids to be the night we make another one.
Vicky: (to Dave; about the kids) You're right. It's not my fault, it's their's. Those two and the girl.
Hillary: (to Dave) You ruined my life!
Dave: (about Heidi) Poor Mike, they just dropped and she's already bustin' 'em.
Dave: (to Vicky) When Hillary finds out, I'll be her dad and her BFF. (leaves room and comes back) That's right, "Best Friend Forever!"
This episode originally aired out of production order.