The War At Home Season 1 Episode 20

Dave: (to his father) So, Dad, how's your golf game?

Dave: (to Larry) Don't pick up any shells.

Larry: (to Dave) Did he spank you when you were 15 years old?!

Middle Eastern Man: I've had a two Xanax and a lot of vodka, do you know what it's like to be a Middle Eastern man on an airplane?

Vicky: Honey, you can't hide that in your sock, they have dogs.

Hillary: Dad, I have a nipple ring.
Dave: (laughs) No, you don't.
Hillary: Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do.
Dave: (glares at her) No, you don't.
Hillary: I'll go take it out.

Barbara: So who's hungry? I have a chicken, a brisket, and stuffed cabbage.
Dave: Oh, I'm not hungry, Ma. I'm still trying to digest what I ate the last time I was here.
Barbara: Who cares if you're hungry? I cooked it, you'll eat it.
Dave: I'd forgotten what a Jewish woman was like.
Barbara: Speaking of that, how are you, Vicky?
Vicky: Still Catholic, Barbara.

Barbara: Jerry! Jerry! Oh! They're here!
Jerry: I can hear you, I'm not deaf. Though I pray for it every day.

Airport Security Agent: You're free to join your family.
Dave: Do I have to?

Hillary: Fine. I have a nipple ring.
Vicky: What? Are you crazy? How could you do that to yourself?
Hillary: Because I am a nonconformist. Besides, all my friends have one.

Airport Security Agent: Sir, you've been randomly selected for a second security screening. Please come with me.
Dave: You're kidding me, right? Ali Baba just waltzes through, but you want to frisk the guy with a wife and three kids?

Dave: I want to go down there, and I want to have the best vacation ever, okay, and I want to show my father what a loving, terrific, and beautiful family I have.
Mike: Oh, my God, you have another family?

Dave: (to Mike) The Gold family doesn't get attacked by terrorists. We get attacked by heart disease and kidney stones.

Mike: I don't want to go.
Dave: Come on, it's Florida, all right? Everybody wants to go. Two million Cubans can't be wrong.