The Wild Wild West (1969) Season 1 Episode 9

American Knife : (to Jim) I understand your problem. It is very difficult to kill an old friend, so I thought... a new friend should do it for you.

(Artmeus punches out a guy)
Artemus: And now, ma'am, if you'll excuse me.
Girl: Oh, you won me fair and square.
Artemus: Uh...(laughs) Oh, no, really. It wouldn't be fair to you. I...
Girl: Sugar, I don't mind one bit.
(girl kisses Artemus)
Artemus: Thank you, but I really have to be going.
Girl: Why, you're downright shy.

Jim: You lost your disguise.
Artemus: (being fanned by two Indian girls) Well, wouldn't you? James?! They, uh, they, uh softening us up to carve us up?
Jim: (smiling at Little Willow) No, no, no, they're... they're friendly Indians.

Jim: Uh, is... is this torture really necessary?
Little Willow: Only a little. They wish to hear you scream.
(Jim fakes a scream)
Little Willow: You scream good. Very good. It would be sad thing to mark you with knife cuts. A waste.
Jim: Oh, I... I hate waste.

Little Willow: I am called Little Willow.
Jim: Don't tell me you're the tribal torturer--the torturess.
Little Willow: Yes. The angry ones of my people demand that you be tested with pain. American Knife choose me.
Jim: N-Now you seem to be an itelligent girl. Not superstitious.
Little Willow: Mmm. You smell interesting. You smell different.
Jim: So do you.

General Ball: Jim.
Jim: General Ball.
(Jim goes to shake General Ball's right hand, but it is missing)
General Ball: A man and a half, huh, Jim? A funny thing, you know. The flesh and bone are healed in that, but sometimes I actually feel that missing hand is still there. It itches.

Jim: Tennyson!
Tennyson: Sir?
Jim: We're coming into Menifee.
(Tennyson comes outside and looks around)
Tennyson: It's a bit sparse, sir, itsn't it?
Jim: You're on the wrong side of the track.
Tennyson: Oh. Not sure I don't prefer the other side, sir.

Jim: Be careful. I don't think the townspeople are too fond of Indians.
Artemus: Me no Cheyenne, me tame Indian.

Jim: Sheila is very pretty and very charming, but I don't trust her.
Artie: (in diguise) Well now...when you get to be an old codger like me, you'll learn to admire and revere the fair sex as I do.
Jim: I wouldn't trust you either.
Artie: Now, look here, you young whippersnapper, I may be an old man down on his luck, but I am still the man of honor.
Jim: Well, maybe a little on a cloudy day.