Titus Season 1 Episode 9

Ken: You know where I can get a Korean boy?
Titus: Dad!
Nurse Patty: Excuse me?
Ken: Well, you people know how to work hard and respect your parents. Don't you, baby?
Nurse Patty: Uh, I'm Japanese and from Fresno, "baby."
Ken: How come you aren't designing computers?
Nurse Patty: Because then I wouldn't get to meet nice white devils like you.

Officer Charlie Regan: Gentlemen, if we decide to press charges, your dad will lose his license and may have to register as a sex offender.
Dave: All right!
Titus: Dave...
Dave: Dude, that would be hilarious.

Titus: This is like a revenge piñata filled with little chunks of Dad inside.

Dave: 'It is difficult to fight against anger, for a man will buy revenge with his soul.' Heraclites, 500 BC.
Titus: (stunned silence) You scare the crap out of me.

Dave: There she is, now she's gone, she's there, she's gone, there, gone, there, gone, ooohhh.

Titus: (opening narration) In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds. Because a crisis is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era where you lived to fifty, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon, you pour the grease into a can? My dad's the can.

Titus: Growing up, I was always in trouble. But, it wasn't enough for my father to just punish me. He had to humiliate me. Well, he didn't have to, but it's his favorite part.

Titus: HMOs: "We like to save lives, but we don't get all freaky about it."

Titus: I've been blamed for stuff since I was born. Literally, since I came out. Still had goop on me.

Titus: Every family has somethin' special about 'em: brains, athletic ability. My family has heart attacks. But it's okay because my dad belongs to an HMO. He really liked their slogan: "Hey, were better than a prison doctor." Huh?

Titus: Now Dad, you know, you had two heart attacks, all right. I want you to start taking care of yourself.
Ken: I am.
Titus: Okay.
Ken: The doctor put me on a light diet: menthol light and Miller light.

Ken Titus: You knew.. and you let them shave me?
Titus: I knew and I got them to shave you.

Police Officer: (to Titus) All right, maybe you'll find this interesting. The intersection where your father had his.. "heart attack" has a camera system that takes a picture of your car when it runs a red light. (gives Titus some pictures)
Titus: What's that furry thing in his lap? It's not there now....there it is again.
Police Officer: Her name's Angela.