Titus Season 2 Episode 15

Titus: The father animal and the son animal are back at each other's throats. The natural order has been restored. Now all that's left is 37 hours of torture. No, wait, 48 hours. We have to go around Texas because Dad's still sort of wanted there.

Titus: I wanna talk about the bone cancer.
Ken: (stutters) Why'd you have to say it?
Titus: Oh, you're-you're right. Bone cancer is so cancery sounding. Let's call it somethin else.
Ken: Death.
Titus: No. No, somethin-somethin nice.
Ken: Malignancy?
Titus: Dad, no. Raisins, huh? We'll call it raisins.
Ken: Raisins. They're-they're just cancerous grapes.

Titus: This could be my last road trip with Dad. Growin' up, road trips with Dad was somethin I hated. Sittin still for hours, singin that stupid song, "Hundred bottles of beer on the wall, hundred bottles of beer." Dad, you know, keepin up with the song.

Erin: It would mean a lot to Christopher if you would just ride with him to deliver the stock car to North Carolina.
Ken: I'd love to, but I just remembered I'd rather have hemorrhoid surgery, in a third world country, by a blind guy.

Erin: You have to spend more time with your dad. Take him on your trip to North Carolina.
Titus: Ooh. Two and a half days on an eighteen-wheeler with Dad. That's great! You know what else I can do? I could put a handful of thumbtacks in my underwear.

Titus: You're not dying?
Ken Titus: No.
Titus: Damnit!
Ken Titus: You're not dying?
Titus: No!
Ken Titus: Crap!

Titus: Isn't there some piece of wisdom you want to share with me?
Ken Titus: Well... You drink, you get laid, and then you die.
Titus: Oh, that is going on the headstone.