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True Blood S07E03: "Fire in the Hole"

We are gathered today with heavy hearts, friends. We come together now to grieve, to mourn, and to support each other in the face of an unthinkable loss.

Alcide, man. Even if those abs had not been attached to one of the most talented actors and compelling characters on the show, the loss of those abs alone would've destroyed me. 

It’s almost unbearable to know that Alcide is gone from the series while Sookie is still there, shrieking. I know she’s the main character, blah blah blah. Enough. She burned through the last of my goodwill with her literal thirst for Bill on her way to complete the stupidest plan on Earth. Leave it to Sookie to get proactive by sitting out in the middle of the forest, confident that all the bad vampires would follow their noses to her cotton candy blood. From there I guess she thought she’d be taken to the basement of Fangtasia and... what? Fairy-blast everyone free? Y’all.

Sookie suffers from Main Girl-itis, a condition that has also afflicted Bella Swan and The Vampire Diaries' Elena and even, at times, Katniss. To drive conflict between the more exciting characters, our axis main character has to be depicted as both A) compelling enough to be rescued, and B) stupid or stubborn enough to continually put herself into perilous situations.

In real life, B would cancel out A pretty damn quick, but this is fiction, and the main character must drive the plot, and so she remains dumb as hell and no one even cares, and we just despise the shit out of her for refusing to learn from her mistakes. The plot demands that she never learn from her mistakes. I know this, and yet Sookie’s mistakes are just so aggressively dumb that they make me personally furious. Her sitting there mooning up at Bill’s pale ass 200 feet up a tree, fishing for compliments in the cadence of a 10-year-old and cutting herself with a dirty old stick, it honestly pushed me over the edge. 

You were on my last nerve, Sookie, and then you rolled it in Hep-V blood, threw it in the river, and shot it in the forehead. You cost us Alcide. His abs, his butt, his eyes. There’s nothing you can do to come back from that.

Still, "Fire in the Hole" itself was amazing, I mean, look what the writers did with Sarah Newlin! If there is one thing in this world more annoying than a born again right-wing nutjob, it’s a born again new age prestige yoga enthusiast. 

Sarah Newlin’s new life alongside her yogi was sort of hilarious and felt weirdly true to character, and I loved that the only thing in this world that could rouse Eric out of his nihilist funk was the prospect of putting her down.

The 80s France flashbacks were cute, sure, I don’t know who this Sylvie person was but bitch did NOT know how to eat a grape.

There was also the super naturalistic scene of Lafayette and Luke getting high and sort of crushing out on each other. These sorts of relatable, real-life scenes scattered in with the insanity are what has always made True Blood so special. The contrast of Lafayette and James chilling on the couch while, half a mile away, a vampire is tearing the stomach out of Mrs. Fortenberry—there’s a tension there that I will always find gripping. Just like in real life, disaster and cheerful obliviousness travel blindly side by side.

P.S., did you hear that the original actor who played James, Luke Grimes, reportedly left the series because he didn’t want to do romantic scenes with Lafayette? What an F-ing bonehead. Casting agents, please add him to your “DO NOT HIRE” lists immediately. 

And yes, Mrs. Fortenberry’s death was a disaster! I know we all hate her on principle but WHO is going to read me the pulse of Plus Size Walmart Fashion now? Mrs. Fortenberry has been cracking me up with her costuming and overall demeanor for seven seasons. I will miss her character acting greatly. 

Also, Sam announced to the town that he belonged in Bon Temps, took off his clothes, and then transformed into a hootie owl. Then later he and my darling Alcide had a bare chest off in the forest.

Alcide won. Like he always has and always... can't say will. No, can't say will. Because of someone's extremely stupid, farfetched plan to get kidnapped by starving Hep-V vamps. And not only Alcide die trying to save Sookie from her own half-baked battle strategy, but she had emotionally betrayed him just moments before, COMPLAINING that he loved her more than she loved him! And then she refused to turn him because she'd "Been down that road?" Girl, bye. You are the worst. You had heaven in both hands and you threw it over your shoulder.

Alcide, how can I tell you how out of Sookie's league you were? You were doomed to be taken out by her Main Girl-itis, when all along you were a main man. Goodnight, sweet hunky moonlit wolf monster.


... Can you ever recover from the way Alcide died? How will you get your weekly suffusion of Joe Manganiello now?

... Pam felt Tara’s true death: So Tara’s really gone, or is she coming back as a snake-charming parseltongue-speaking spectre?

... How long has Sookie been on your last nerve? Is there any way she could redeem herself?

... Does the idea of Sookie and Bill as endgame make you almost queasy with boredom?


Previously Aired Episode

AIRED ON 8/24/2014

Season 7 : Episode 10

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