Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11

Alan: I just don't feel comfortable in this stuff.
Charlie: I knew it, I knew you'd chicken out.
Alan: Chicken out? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Charlie: At least your wife had the guts to try something new.

Charlie: How's it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.

Evelyn: It never fails, does it. Whenever I would like to spend some quality time with my grandson, there's something more important going on.
Jake: It's not fair, you know. I'm not the one getting clothes, so why do I have to go and be bored?
Alan: You don't, you can stay here with grandma.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: What?
Alan: Have fun.
Jake: Wait, no, I'll be good, I swear!
Charlie: Payback's a bitch, buddy.

Alan: Get your jacket, it's time to go.
Jake: I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping
Alan: Well, you can't stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: Fine. I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey! Don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Evelyn: (discussing Spongebob Squarepants) S-s-so bottom line; he's a sponge!
Jake: Yeah. His pants are square 'cause he's square' and so is his underwear. They're tighty-whities, but they're square.

Charlie: It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick rather than lumberjack

Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid underwater, with a tank full of oxygen.

Alan: Help me, Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.