Jake: I don't want to go to camp.
Berta: If the kid doesn't want to go, don't make him go.
Berta: He's ten, he's old enough to work.
Berta: When I was your age, I spent my summers hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather's truck.
Charlie: (walks into the room) What's going on?
Jake: I'm going to camp!
Berta: Wait a minute. Isn't she the one who dumped you?
Alan: Someone dumped Charlie?!?!
Berta: Broke his little black heart. It was pathetic!
Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in three years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a four-year-old.
Alan: Poker buddy?
Charlie: I used to, and don't call me "buddy".
Alan: (to Charlie about Evelyn dating Bill, who used to be a woman) One of us has to tell her.
Berta: I'll clean your house free for an entire month if you let me do it!
Alan: Excuse me, could we just table that for now, and discuss how this impacts on our mother?
Charlie: Why? The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.
Evelyn: (about Bill) Sexy and liquid—I like that in a man.
Evelyn: Hello? Anybody home?
Alan & Charlie: Oh, no!
Evelyn: Charlie, I need to talk to you about your friend, Bill.
Charlie: Oh, boy.
Berta: Oh, boy!
Evelyn: No, I... I really rather not discuss this in front of the "Help".
Charlie: Berta, could you give us some privacy?
Berta: Hell, no!
Evelyn: The only thing that matters to me now is that Bill is a handsome, sensitive, wonderful man.
Evelyn: Excuse me?
Berta: Nothing, I'm just happy to be here!
Alan: Oh, yeah, mom is here.
Charlie: No problem. I'm drunk.
Charlie: I want you to tell me that there is no chance that either of us ever have to call a women I slept with, "daddy".
Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please, if I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disapeared for five years and came back as a guy, I'd have A NICKEL!
Charlie: Just look at it.
(Alan looks at a picture of Jill)
Alan: She's cute: tall, broad shoulders. Holy mother of God!
Bill (Jill): You haven't changed.
Charlie: I wish I could say the same.
Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick.
Alan: So this means?
Charlie: Either I slept with a woman who is now a man, I slept with a man in a woman's body, or my personal favorite—and the title of my autobiography—me and my mom slept with the same dude!
Bill(Jill): Charlie. Look at me.
Charlie: Hey, how do you know my name?
Bill(Jill): It's me.
Charlie: Me who? (Gives him a look)
The French episode title is "Copain-copine", meaning "Boyfriend-Girlfriend". The Italian title is "Ma questo è un incubo", meaning "But This is a Nightmare". The Spanish title is "Una vieja llama con una nueva mecha", an exact translation.
This episode was nominated for a GLAAD Media Award in the Outstanding Individual Episode (In a Series Without a Regular Gay Character) category.
Chris O'Donnell and Charlie Sheen both appeared on the Disney version of The Three Musketeers.
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