Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 6

Evelyn: So, Lydia, what do you do? I mean, besides my son.

Lydia: (talking about her kids with Charlie) I'm very careful about who I expose them to.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Lydia: Charlie, please.
Charlie: Why can't I expose myself to your kids? (catches what he said) I mean why can't I meet your kids?

Lydia: Wow, this is some house. If you ever decide to sell I want the listing.
Charlie: Well you'd have to kill my mom for it, so...sure.

Lydia: Evelyn Harper, I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.

Evelyn: How many pieces of bacon are you going to eat?
Jake: My record's fourteen. I barfed, but it still counts.

Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax.

Lydia: If you were open to suggestions, it couldn't be better.
Charlie: Oh, really, and how could it have been better?
Lydia: Boo hoo, looks like I've pushed a button.
Charlie: Looks like I didn't.
Lydia: You can push an elevator button a hundred times, and it still won't come any faster.
Charlie: Fine, the next time I'll take the stairs.

Berta: Come on Charlie. The only difference, between those two broads, is that you came out of one and you...
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
(waving his arms in the air and closing his eyes)

Lydia: Alan, hi. So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: "Troubles?" What troubles?
Lydia: Maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie: I don't know what she's talking about...
Alan: I am going through a bit of a rough patch, but I try not to think about it too much.
Lydia: Well, good for you. I'd be suicidal.
Charlie: You hear that? You have options.

Bobby: We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Charlie: Well, maybe you just didn't recognize her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms.