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Alan: Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?
Charlie: Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.
Berta: (to Alan) I can't even pee when the cat's watching me.
Berta: Alan. What's short, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: it's your kid.
Berta: There you go, Elvis—peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?
Charlie: Mmm, curly fries! You know, when I was your age, we didn't even have curly fries. We had to make do with straight or crinkle cut!
Charlie: I'm just trying to distract you while I steal your fries.
Alan: Hey. You're home early.
Charlie: Alan, if you've got something to say why don't you just come out and say it?
Alan: You're home early?
Charlie: Yeah, that's smart. Keep pushing me! (Charlie walks away)
Alan: Wow, did you see that?
Jake: Yeah, he took my ice cream!
Alan: (pointing at Jake's homework) Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!
Alan: So, you got a date tonight?
Charlie: No, I thought I'd just hang with you guys.
Alan: What about that girl you're seeing?
Charlie: Sherri? I'm playing that slow.
Alan: Really? Do you mean at a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?
Charlie: Oh, aren't you clever? Bite me!
Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't.
Alan: Hey, let me tell you something about your Uncle Charlie. He was a lousy student. He always put off doing his homework and his grades reflected on it.
Jake: Seems like he's doing okay now.
Charlie: Ha, ha!
Alan: (to Jake) Go get your books!
Jake: I left my books at mom's.
Alan: Fine, I'll call her and have her bring them over.
Jake: Okay, they're in my bag.
Alan: Ha, ha. Go get them.
Rose: She's gorgeous, she's also self centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment phobic ...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Charlie: I'm dating myself! No wonder the sex is so good!
Charlie: Ok, I'm outta here. Won't be late.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry. Bad news from the clinic?
Charlie: No. I'm just taking Sherri out for a nice dinner after which I plan to gently, but firmly, extricate myself from the relationship.
Alan: Oh. So... she got bad news from the clinic?
Charlie: There's no bad news, there's no clinic. I'm just ending it.
Charlie: Because she's a self-centered, manipulative narcissist.
Alan: So are you!
The German episode title is "Ich muss früh raus", meaning "I Must Go Early". The French title is "Charlie et son double", meaning "Charlie and His Double". The Italian title is "Ho incontrato me stesso", meaning "I Met Myself". The Spanish title is "Malas Noticias de la Clínica", an exact translation.
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