Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 5

Berta: (to Alan) I can't even pee when the cat's watching me.

Berta: Alan. What's short, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: it's your kid.

Berta: There you go, Elvis—peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?

Charlie: Mmm, curly fries! You know, when I was your age, we didn't even have curly fries. We had to make do with straight or crinkle cut!
Jake: Huh?
Charlie: I'm just trying to distract you while I steal your fries.

Charlie: Hey.
Alan: Hey. You're home early.
Charlie: Alan, if you've got something to say why don't you just come out and say it?
Alan: You're home early?
Charlie: Yeah, that's smart. Keep pushing me! (Charlie walks away)
Alan: Wow, did you see that?
Jake: Yeah, he took my ice cream!

Alan: (pointing at Jake's homework) Why didn't you do this part?
Jake: That's extra credit, you don't have to do it.
Alan: Why don't you do it anyway?
Jake: Because I don't have to.
Alan: But it shows that you're willing to make an extra effort.
Jake: But I'm not.
Alan: Do it anyway.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Jake, if you spent as much time doing the work as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.
Jake: I am done, this is the extra!

Alan: So, you got a date tonight?
Charlie: No, I thought I'd just hang with you guys.
Alan: What about that girl you're seeing?
Charlie: Sherri? I'm playing that slow.
Alan: Really? Do you mean at a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?
Charlie: Oh, aren't you clever? Bite me!

Alan: Any homework for the weekend?
Jake: Nope.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Okay, yes.
Alan: Jake, do we have to go through this discussion every Friday?
Jake: I'd rather we didn't.

Alan: Hey, let me tell you something about your Uncle Charlie. He was a lousy student. He always put off doing his homework and his grades reflected on it.
Jake: Seems like he's doing okay now.
Charlie: Ha, ha!
Alan: (to Jake) Go get your books!
Jake: I left my books at mom's.
Alan: Fine, I'll call her and have her bring them over.
Jake: Okay, they're in my bag.
Alan: Ha, ha. Go get them.

Rose: She's gorgeous, she's also self centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment phobic ...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself! No wonder the sex is so good!