Dr. Andrew Sperlock
Dr. Sperlock said the title Can You Feel My Finger?.
(after discussing Charlie's upcoming procedure)
Alan: I guess he knows more than he lets on.
Charlie: You do, don't you?
Jake: I hear things.
Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know. (long pause) Why don't you just wear a condom?
Alan: (holding a bag for Charlie) So what's in the bag?
Alan: No, really.
Alan: (disturbed) Whose sperm?
Charlie: Seabiscuit's. Who do you think? Mine!
Alan: I thought we were going to a movie!
Doctor: (about freezing sperm) You don't have to do it here. We can give you a container, and you can go home and make yourself comfortable. Dim the lights, put on a little sweet soul music--
Charlie: I know the procedure.
Doctor: Then you just bring it back here while the little fellas are still swimming, and we'll turn them into Popsicles!
Doctor: You know, just in case someday want to become a pop!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, very clever.
Doctor: Now, let me ask you a question. Do you have children already?
Doctor: Okay, then you might want to consider freezing some sperm, just in case you change your mind.
Charlie: Frozen sperm? I don't know.
Doctor: Why not?
Charlie: Well, you know, when you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh.
Doctor: That's really not the same thing.
Charlie: So you know for a fact that frozen kids are just as good as the regulars?
Doctor: (at a consultation meeting with Charlie, who wants a vasectomy) Actually, you'll be able to perform the same way you did before.
Charlie: Great. But what about creativity? You see, I write music for a living. Will I still be able to do that?
Doctor: Do you write with your testicles?
Doctor: Then it shouldn't be a problem.
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Charlie: Then say "vasectomy." Don't say "snipped!"
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped?"
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve dollars at Supercuts!
Charlie: (on the phone with a former date who thinks she's pregnant) Okay, the instructions sound pretty clear. You pee on the stick, and if it turns blue, that means you're pregnant... no, the stick turns blue!
Charlie: (refering to one of the girls he brought home) She's not exactly a rocket scientist.
Alan: As opposed to the Nobel prize winners you usually bring home.
Jake: (answering the phone) Hello. What? I can't understand you.
Alan: Who is it?
Jake: I don't know—some woman crying.
Alan: (into the phone) Hold on. (screams) Charlie!
Alan: Phone for you.
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: A hysterical woman.
Charlie: Are you insane? I don't take calls from hysterical women.
Alan: (into the phone) Here he is.
Charlie: Hey, congratulations! When is the wedding?
Charlie: Well, Jake, your uncle Charlie is getting a vasectomy.
Jake: Oh. What's wrong with the car you have now?
Alan: So... you're not gonna have the vasectomy?
Charlie: Hey, I tried my best, but it just wasn't meant to be.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You think it was a coincidence that my urologist was having a baby at the very moment I was about to get snipped? I mean, I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly a power much greater then myself wants me to knock somebody up some day.
Rose:(comes into the room) You called?
The French episode title is "Grande décision". The Italian title is "Non è destino", meaning "It's Not Destiny". The Spanish title is "¿Puedes Sentir Mi Dedo?", an exact translation.
Marin Hinkle (Judith) didn't appear in the original airing of this episode.
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