Two and a Half Men

Charlie: (sees the size of Alan's alimony payment) Boy! You'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.

Alan: So, you ever been married? Herb: My wife passed away. Alan: Oh, oh, I'm sorry. (pauses) No alimony, though. You gotta love that!

Charlie: So, where's Jake? Alan: Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow. Charlie: Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like. Alan: Oh, what'd you get? Charlie: Don't worry. It's educational. (Charlie gives Alan the DVD) Alan: One Million Years B.C.? How is this educational? Charlie: Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history?

Evelyn: Could I get some more coffee, Berta? Berta: Who's stopping you? Charlie: (signals coffee to Berta) Berta: Get your own damn coffee!

Alan: (showing Judith a toy Giraffe) I came to give you this. Judith: What is it? Alan: I made it for you. Judith: Just now? Alan: No, a long time ago. Charlie: It's symbolic. Judith: Alan, you're a disturbed man. You need help. Charlie: Enjoy those garlic balls!

Evelyn: Where were we? Rose: We were trying to figure out why Charlie hates you. Berta: Right. Evelyn: Well, Charlie? Charlie: Okay, fine, here it is. I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was fine with you, because you just looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys that you could haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you just sent us to boarding school, or camp, or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up because we weren't even Jewish! And now you come over here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood! Evelyn: (long pause, puts her hands on his shoulders) Well, obviously, you're not ready to talk about it.

Alan: I should apologize to you. Showing up here last night, unannounced-that's completely inappropriate and I came by to tell you it won't happen again. Herb: So, you came over unannounced to apologize for coming over unannounced? Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Evelyn: (about Charlie) When he was little he would always suck on other people's thumbs.

Berta: (while sitting between Charlie and Evelyn) So, why do you hate your mother?