Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 16

Charlie: It will be a little tense at first, but you can lighten the mood with your Booty story. That was mighty funny, partner.
Alan: (Fakes Laughter) Shut Up!

Alan: Jake just invited Candy to his birthday party.
Charlie: Oh, don't worry, you still have the inside track!

Jake: What's a booty call?
Charlie: (to Alan) I figured you didn't want me telling him. Was I wrong?

Jake: What's a booty call?
Charlie: Well, it's... you know this is more of a thing a son should learn from his father.
Jake: Oh, okay.
Charlie: Maybe you should ask him now.
Jake: Alright.
Charlie: I'm going to hell.

Jake: Who's that?
Rose: Gordon, my boyfriend.
Jake: How come he's not allowed in?
Rose: I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.
Charlie: Too late.
Jake: You bringing him to my birthday party?
Rose: I don't know. Charlie, is the wound too fresh?
Charlie: I think I can handle it.

Rose: Listen closely. Once I go, I'm gone.
Charlie: Really? I've never seen that side of you.

Rose: Gordon is my soul mate. He completes me. We're inseparable. (To Gordon) Wait here, I want to talk to Charlie alone.

Charlie: (To Alan) I'm just surprised you can keep up with her. I thought by now she would have worn you down to a few vertebrae and a pool of spinal fluid.

Alan: Her youth is like an aphrodisiac. I feel younger. I feel more....I don't know how to describe it! Manly.
Charlie: I know what you mean.
Alan: And I'm performing in what can only be described as a very enhanced level.
Charlie: Right.
Alan: You know, 'between-the-sheets'-wise.

Alan: Why do you let Jake use the blender?
Charlie: I'm hoping he'll eventually stumble in to a margarita.

(We hear the blender roar and then spill the contents)
Jake: Aww, man!
Charlie: You forget to put the lid on again?
Jake: Maybe.

(Jake is filling a blender with numerous foods)
Charlie: Morning.
Jake: Morning.
Charlie: What are you making?
Jake: Breakfast.
Charlie: Have you considered orange juice and a piece of toast?
Jake: It's in there.

(Jake is in the bathroom and doesn't want to come out)
Judith: Did you eat anything?
Jake: Just coffee and vitamins.
Judith: You let him drink coffee?
Charlie: Just a zip.
Judith: And you gave him vitamins, too?
Alan: No, we don't have vitamins around the house. Jake, where did you get the vitamins?
Jake: From your cabinet.
Alan: I don't have vitamins in my cabinet.
Jake: Yes, you have. There was a blue bottle with a "V" on it.
(Alan freaks out)
Alan: Uh-uh...
Bertha: Looks like the kid need another party hat!

Rose: I have a new man in my life.
Evelyn: Does the man know yet?

Charlie: Rose has a boyfriend.
Alan: A real one or like Toby, the astronaut?

Alan: Kandi, you're a remarkable girl.
Kandi: Thank you.
Alan: Unfortunately, so am I.

Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice: does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous 22-year- old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it, you just want them to know where yours has been.

Alan: You see Jake, in the old west, cowboys could be out on the dusty range for months at a time, and they get mighty dirty. So they'd mosey into town with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they'd need to wash them. So what they'd do is, they'd go down to the creek, and strip down until they were wearing nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. Anyways, in order to warn people that were swimming that a naked cowboy was on his way, he would yell, or, if you will, call, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the Booty Call.
Kandi: Wow Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Charlie: Hey, here's a fun fact. You're sleeping with a girl who was born when you were in junior high, and yet there's a good chance she lost her virginity before you did.
(Alan scoffs, shakes his head, and then starts to do the math in his head)
Charlie: And here's another fun fact: I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you, too.
Alan: (scoffs again, and again does the math and smiles) That is a fun fact!