Charlie: Hey, listen, about this living without sex thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.
Alan: Me? What would make you think of me?
Charlie: Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, what's green, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
Jake: A pool table—it's funny cause you wouldn't expect it to be in a tree.
Alan: First of all, the phone is no good. You must grovel in person. Humiliation is a visual medium.
Alan: Women, huh?
Charlie: They say they want to talk, but they don't want to talk.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. I mean, that's a powerful aphrodisiac... I've heard.
Jake: Nowadays, you're supposed to say African-American disiac.
Charlie: I think she might be the one.
Alan: He says no.
Berta: I think It might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie, what did you take?
Charlie: I want to share this with my entire family.
Berta: Okay, I'm leaving.
Charlie: Berta, I consider you part of my family.
Berta: Am I in your will?
Charlie: No, but neither are the rest of them.
Alan: ...and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.
Charlie: Me? I have to make this decision? It's like asking the fat kid to guard the pie.
Mia: You wanna go upstairs?
Charlie: Not right now.
Mia: Oh, please don't tell me you got somebody in your room?
Charlie: (hands her flowers) These are for you.
Mia: You didn't have to do that.
Charlie: Really? My brother said I did.
Jake: (to Alan) Hey, if you can work up a fart, ask him to pull your finger.
Mia: How are we going to compromise, Charlie? Are you going to have sex with half a woman?
Charlie: Is that an option?
Charlie: Mia, all this starting and stopping is really not good for my transmission.
The German episode title is "Selbsterniedrigung ist ein visuelles Medium", meaning "Humiliating Yourself is a Visual Medium". The French title is "Quoi de neuf docteur?", meaning "What's up, Doc?". The Italian title is "L'umiliazione". The Spanish title is "La humillación es un medio visual", an exact translation.
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