Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 20

Alan: (to Rose) When we were kids, Charlie told his friends that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game.

Jake: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they'd call an 'alternated family'.

Alan: You got a date tonight?
Charlie: No.
Alan: Aren't you going to ask me if I do?
Charlie: Okay, you got a date tonight?
Alan: Sure, rub my nose in it.

Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers.

Alan: He gave me wedgies! From kindergarden on, I have gotten DAILY wedgies! My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college!
Charlie: At which point a long stick slid out.

Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!
Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through—we didn't have a dog.
Alan: What?
Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch; I made ya lunch!

Alan: In high school, he told people that I was his shaved monkey.
Charlie: I always wanted a shaved monkey!

Charlie: (to Rose and Alan) I was a mean rotten brother, you have to believe me!

Jake: (after farting) Save yourself everyone. (runs outside)
Alan: And as a rule, when he says they're bad, better take his word for it.
Rose: Oh, please, Alan. I grew up with two older brothers and... oh, my God!

Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Giving you a wedgie... where's your underwear?
Charlie: I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass!

Rose: Would you like to hug me?
Charlie: What would be the point of that?
Rose: (sheepish) It gets me hot.

Jake: I'm making air biscuits, get 'em while they're hot!

Charlie: If I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it.