Alan: Would you mind toasting my buns, please?
Charlie: To your buns!
Alan: (fake laughs) You sicken me!
Alan: (to Rose) When we were kids, Charlie told his friends that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game.
Jake: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they'd call an 'alternated family'.
Alan: You got a date tonight?
Alan: Aren't you going to ask me if I do?
Charlie: Okay, you got a date tonight?
Alan: Sure, rub my nose in it.
Charlie: So what should we do with Jake today?
Alan: I don't know. How about a barbecue?
Charlie: Gee, Alan, I don't know. The kid is delicious, but I think I'd prefer hamburgers.
Alan: He gave me wedgies! From kindergarden on, I have gotten DAILY wedgies! My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college!
Charlie: At which point a long stick slid out.
Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork & Mindy lunch box!
Charlie: Will you let that go?! By the way, if you think it through—we didn't have a dog.
Charlie: Mom wanted me to make you lunch; I made ya lunch!
Alan: In high school, he told people that I was his shaved monkey.
Charlie: I always wanted a shaved monkey!
Charlie: (to Rose and Alan) I was a mean rotten brother, you have to believe me!
Jake: (after farting) Save yourself everyone. (runs outside)
Alan: And as a rule, when he says they're bad, better take his word for it.
Rose: Oh, please, Alan. I grew up with two older brothers and... oh, my God!
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Giving you a wedgie... where's your underwear?
Charlie: I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass!
Rose: Would you like to hug me?
Charlie: What would be the point of that?
Rose: (sheepish) It gets me hot.
Jake: I'm making air biscuits, get 'em while they're hot!
Charlie: If I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.
Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it.
Charlie: It wouldn't kill you to talk to mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
The German episode title is "Ich wollte immer einen Nacktaffen", meaning "I Always Wanted a Naked Monkey". The French title is "Faux frères", meaning "Fake Brothers". The Italian title is "Tu eri geloso di me?", meaning "You Were Jealous of Me?" The Italian title is "Siempre Quise un Mono Afeitado", an exact translation.
While Holland Taylor is not seen, her voice is heard.
This episode's end titles has Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card #135.
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