Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 10

Alan: (Introducing himself to the Sexaholics Group) Uh, hi, I'm Alan, and I have a lovely condo for sale! And, I'm a sex addict.

(Alan and Charlie are attending a Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting)
Alan: I don't like it here.
Charlie: Well, tough, this was the only way I could get Berta to come back.
Alan: But why do I have to be here?
Charlie: Because you're looking for a place to sell your condo!

Charlie: Berta, Lydia, this is not what it looks like.(Lydia and Berta leave the room) Say it a few more times, Charlie. Maybe someone will believe you.

Charlie: My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I'm a sex addict.

Alan: (To Charlie) Yeah you're the smart one. You know how I know? The washing machine called and told me!

Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah! I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time.

Charlie: You wash them, you dry them. How hard could it be?
Alan: So what's the problem?
Charlie: Which one's the washer?

Charlie: Morning.
Lydia: That was a great shower.
Charlie: Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you do going in.

Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. (to Charlie) You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over...

Lydia: Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom?
Charlie: What for?
Lydia: 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Charlie: Why would I get a nasty... ohhh, you mean sex?
Lydia: Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow.

Lydia: I hope you're proud of yourself.
Charlie: Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of.

Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline.

Charlie: Berta's the one who keeps this house running, and more important, she's kind of like family.
Lydia: She's rude, offensive, and vulgar.
Charlie: Okay, exactly like family.

Charlie: Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress.

Charlie: You know what? I don't need either one of ya! I can do my own laundry, and I've got my own finger!

Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.

Charlie: We had fun last night in bed, eh?
Lydia: Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: That explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln.

Charlie: I either drank too much, or got hit by a train.