Charlie: (to Berta) You're right! I am addicted! I have a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off! I mean, you gotta help me.
Berta: I can't help you, pal, you gotta help yourself.
Alan: (Introducing himself to the Sexaholics Group) Uh, hi, I'm Alan, and I have a lovely condo for sale! And, I'm a sex addict.
(Alan and Charlie are attending a Sexaholics Anonymous Meeting)
Alan: I don't like it here.
Charlie: Well, tough, this was the only way I could get Berta to come back.
Alan: But why do I have to be here?
Charlie: Because you're looking for a place to sell your condo!
Charlie: Berta, Lydia, this is not what it looks like.(Lydia and Berta leave the room) Say it a few more times, Charlie. Maybe someone will believe you.
Charlie: My name is Charlie, and, um, my maid says I'm a sex addict.
Alan: (To Charlie) Yeah you're the smart one. You know how I know? The washing machine called and told me!
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah! I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time.
Charlie: You wash them, you dry them. How hard could it be?
Alan: So what's the problem?
Charlie: Which one's the washer?
Lydia: That was a great shower.
Charlie: Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier coming out than you do going in.
Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. (to Charlie) You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over...
Lydia: Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom?
Charlie: What for?
Lydia: 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn.
Charlie: Why would I get a nasty... ohhh, you mean sex?
Lydia: Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow.
Lydia: I hope you're proud of yourself.
Charlie: Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, so, yeah, kind of.
Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline.
Charlie: Berta's the one who keeps this house running, and more important, she's kind of like family.
Lydia: She's rude, offensive, and vulgar.
Charlie: Okay, exactly like family.
Charlie: Okay, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress.
Charlie: You know what? I don't need either one of ya! I can do my own laundry, and I've got my own finger!
Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
Charlie: We had fun last night in bed, eh?
Lydia: Oh, terrific! What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: That explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln.
Charlie: I either drank too much, or got hit by a train.
Kandi: Want to have sex?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit.
The German episode title is "Leck nicht an deiner Haarbürste", meaning "Don't Lick Your Hairbrush". The French title is "Lessive et dépendance", meaning "Laundry Detergent and Dependence". The Italian title is "Baciando Abramo Lincoln", and the Spanish title is "Besar a Abraham Lincoln", both exact translations.
Though credited, Holland Taylor and Marin Hinkle do not appear in this episode.
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