Two and a Half Men

Season 5 Episode 1

Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

Aired Thursday 9:00 PM Sep 24, 2007 on CBS



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Alan: I hope [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
      Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
      Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of 6th grade because he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

    • Charlie: Face it, Alan. When the good Lord was handing out courage, you were crouched in a locker, peein' on your gym socks.

    • (holds up a camera)
      Alan: Smile.
      Jake: About what?
      Alan: I need a current picture in case you go missing.
      Charlie: Alan, you're being ridiculous, they never find those kids.

    • Alan: Oh, I almost forgot, I got you a little present: your very own cellphone.
      Jake: Ah, cool!
      Alan: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
      Jake: "Emergenies?" What emergencies?
      Charlie: (whispering) "Dad, come get me. I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet."
      Alan: That only happened once.

    • Alan: You'll see things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
      Jake: Like what?
      Alan: Well, er, always keep your lunch money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
      Jake: How come?
      Alan: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you til they get something.
      Jake: Who are "they"?
      Alan: The big kids holding you by the ankles and plunging your head into the toilet.
      Jake: Plunging my head into the toilet?!
      Charlie: Don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much "plunging" as "dipping".

    • Charlie: So, junior high eh? Boy, that brings back some memories. Doesn't it, Alan?
      Alan: Can we please not go down that road?
      Jake: What happened?
      Alan: Nothing, it's just that kids in junior high can be a little judgmental.
      Berta: Especially if you're knocked-up.
      Alan: Thank you, Berta.
      Berta: Of course on the upside, pregnant chicks didn't have to go to gym.
      Charlie: Did the guys who got 'em pregnant get any consideration... nooo. Not even a hall pass.

    • Charlie: Getting hit in the face hurts. But you know what hurts more?
      Jake: A kick in the crotch?

    • (Jake is trying on some new shoes)
      Alan: How do they feel?
      Jake: Okay, but they are ugly. They look like old people shoes.
      Alan: They are not old people shoes. They are walking shoes.
      Charlie: Right… People who've been walking for over 85 years.

    • Alan: You sure it's just a rash?
      Charlie: What else could it be?
      Alan: Uh, well, since we are talking about your private area, it could be anything from Ebola to mad cow disease.
      Charlie: You get Ebola from monkeys, right?
      Alan: Right.
      Charlie: It's just a rash.

    • Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
      Berta: Like I do with everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
      Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my… you know… my private area.
      Berta: "Private?" You get anymore traffic down there and you gonna have to open a Starbucks.

  • Notes

    • The German episode title is "Ziege bleibt Ziege", meaning "Once a Goat, Always a Goat". The French title is "Le grand saut", meaning "The Big Jump". The Italian title is "La paura fa novanta", meaning "The Fear of Being Ninety". The Spanish title is "Pájaros Grandes, Arañas y Mamá", an exact translation.

    • International Airdates: Norway: August 20, 2008 on TV3; Slovakia: January 18, 2010 on Markiza

    • When Charlie, Alan and Jake are walking to the bus stop, behind them is the house used for the television series Bewitched.

  • Allusions

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