Judith says the title of the episode.
Herb: (at Charlie's front door) Hey, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, hey, Herb. What's up?
Herb: I came to pick up some stuff for Alan.
Charlie: For Alan?
Herb: Yeah, he's staying with Judith and I till he gets back on his feet.
Charlie: Gee, Herb, I hate to be the bearer of bad news (sighs) but I've been waiting 6 years for that khaki-wearing weasel to get on his feet.
Herb: Yeah, Judith mentioned that. Using a lot of the same words, interestingly enough.
Charlie: (to Alan) How was your day, darling?
Alan: Fine. Except I had to pay for lunch with my lucky Sacagawea dollar.
Charlie: What kind of lunch can you get for a dollar?
Alan: Two gas station hot dogs that were a year old if they were a day, thank you very much.
Alan: Well, I've only got, uh, 35--Uh, $38. Charlie: That's it? That's your walking-around money?Alan: It's the perfect amount in case I get mugged. See, not so little that my attacker would get angry and try to pistol-whip me yet not so much I would feel obliged to fight for it and possibly get shot while wrestling for the gun.
Alan: How much money do you need?
Charlie: A couple hundred.
Alan: Who carries that kind of money around?
Charlie: Strippers, bookies, prostitutes, and not entirely coincidentally, me.
Evelyn: (watching Jake) I should've hired a monkey.
Charlie: You mean a different monkey.
Charlie: Okay, okay, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of fun, and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
The German episode title is "Ich hätte einen Affen nehmen sollen", meaning "I Should Have Taken a Monkey". The French title is "Herb, ta bouche", meaning "Herb, Your Mouth". The Italian title is "Chiudi il becco, Herb!", meaning "Shut Up, Herb!"
Latin America: November 11, 2008 on Warner Channel
Czech Republic: January 13, 2010 on TV Nova
Slovakia: September 28, 2010 on Markiza
This episode's end titles has Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card #216.
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