Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch.

Charlie: (About Alan living with Evelyn again.) You've been living here for a few weeks now, I assume you have blood in your stool.

Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now on a scale from one to...two?

Charlie: You gotta love that kid. I played him "Stairway to Heaven", and he still thought the Maple Loop song was better.

Alan: You have someone who comes into your house and glues your cabinets shut regularly?
Charlie: You've met some of the whack jobs I've went out with, this shouldn't be that much of a stretch.

Charlie: Why would I lie? The ocean is closed today.

Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don't have any food.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm not the one who's hungry. Who's smiling now, shorty?

Alan: Judith, I can change.
Judith: Oh, please, Alan. You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, anal-retentive man I've ever met.
Alan: Rigid and inflexible—don't you think that's a little redundant?

Charlie: Well, Alan, there's not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don't ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach… and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.

Girl: So, what do you think?
Charlie: Wow. It's for you, right?
Girl: It's for both of us. Don't go away. (She goes into the bathroom)
Charlie: Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Charlie: Well, yeah, but not a woman who doesn't like sex.
Alan: And, Jake, this could just destroy Jake.
Charlie: Jake?
Alan: My son.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
Alan: He's ten.

Alan: I am not comfortable with this. Maybe I should go and wait in the car.
Charlie: You're not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don't wanna meet women. I'm still married.
Charlie: C'mon. Your wife is out meeting chicks, why shouldn't you?
Jake: (singing) ...it's the sweetest breakfast treat, it's maple-maple-maplelicious.
Hot Chick: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Oh. Thank you.
Hot Chick: You and your... life partner must be so proud.
Charlie: You're right. Go wait in the car!

Alan: Look. Ok, this is just until things are settle out. A couple of days max. She'll come to her senses.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what women do.

Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yup.
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.