Two and a Half Men Season 3 Episode 7

Charlie: (to Alan) I guess your hearing is more acute when your nuts are on the line.

Charlie: Rose was in my bedroom because she was tired.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Alan: I never slept with your daughter.
Harvey: I'm not surprised.

Charlie: (to Harvey) So, you're Rose's Dad. I see the resemblance.

Harvey: Guys, feel free to call me Dad.
Alan: No, thank you.
Charlie: I couldn't.

Harvey: Evelyn, are you married?
Evelyn: Not at the moment.

Charlie: I never told you about half the stuff Rose pulled around here.
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: Cause we needed a babysitter and I didn't want you to get spooked.

Alan: Charlie, do me a favor, don't ever talk to my kid about sex.
Charlie: Why?
Alan: 'Cause you're a pig.

Berta: (to Rose) Hey, birthday girl, you got anything good last night?

Harvey's Mom: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.

Charlie: It's time someone taught him the facts of life.
Alan: What facts? That you did a stupid stupid thing because you're a stupid stupid man.
Charlie: I was getting to that.
Jake: Why was it stupid?
Alan: Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love.
Charlie: No, no, because I had sex with someone who knows how to disable the alarm system.

Rose: Ok, now it's time for the party games.
Charlie: I've got one. (grabs a bottle of tequila) It's called drink until this night makes some sort of sense. I'll go first. (takes a shot) Nope, not yet

Evelyn: I think God gives us children so that death won't come as such a disappointment.