Two and a Half Men Season 2 Episode 15

Charlie: (making a hotel reservation) Okay, we are gonna need two rooms; one for Alan Harper and son, and one for Charlie Harper and a cocktail waitress to be named later.

Berta: Oh, damn it.
Charlie: What?
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line.

Jake: What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: Watch TV.
Jake: There's nothing on.
Charlie: Play a video game.
Jake: Played them all.
Charlie: Read a book.
Jake: Yeah, right, who's the moron now?

Jake: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend.
Charlie: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.
Jake: You mean me?
Charlie: Boy, no wonder they got to write your name in your underwear.

Jake: I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.
Alan: Nope. You're too sick.
Charlie: Some other time.
Jake: I'm really sorry I ruined your trip, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: That's okay. It's not your fault; it's your dad who won't let you go.
Alan: Thanks, Charlie.
Charlie: Hey, why should he feel guilty?

Alan: [Jake]'s just going to sleep anyway, and I'll keep an eye on him, so you can go.
Charlie: I don't know. It doesn't feel right just abandoning the kid when he's sick.
Alan: Congratulations, now you know what it feels like to be a parent.
Charlie: Yeah. How inconvenient.